#my heart goes out to all the other queer folks struggling with the same thing. it's been almost 10 years of deconstructing & it still hurts

[aheavenlylake]

eternally heartbroken over the way queer people are viewed by many religions.

over 4 years ago, i learned about the baha'i religion and was so enamored. i felt like maybe i'd found a home because they believed as much in the teachings of the tanakh as in muhammad, they believed in the unity of all religions and people just like i did, and i was so excited to dive into the community. i registered with the faith. i even got a tattoo of a verse from the hidden words of baha'u'llah. this religion and its core teachings felt so right.

but then the blatant homophobia. it's like being in the xtian church all over again. "we affirm the innate humanity of a homosexual" this and "all people are in the image of god" that, but a same-sex marriage in impermissible. and the reasons they give make no sense. it's like my childhood all over again. it's "love the sinner, hate the sin" all over again. and it's fucking dehumanizing.

all this from a religion that preaches compassion and acceptance and unity. being queer is not a sin. gay sex is not a fucking sin. gay marriage is a beautiful thing that transcends boundaries and hate. and it's embarrassing that baha'is (and christians and honestly anyone else) can preach unconditional love and then add on the condition of existing as a queer person.

[alabasterandpitch]

My heart goes out to trans-men and everyone out there with a desire to participate in masculinity in whatever capacity. Objective standards are bullshit and your masculinity is valid whatever form it might take.

Personal Rant Ahead

The last thing I want is to take attention away from the struggles of trans folks and come in all "wHaT about Me?!?" as a cis man, but some of this really resonates, especially the last bit about the whole Predator/Baby complex. I never knew there was actually a name for it but this is definitely something I've felt acutely my whole life. I realize my situation is hardly the same as trans-men's, and I'm not trying to draw false equivalencies, but I do think it's a very relevant phenomenon to masculinity in general and all its participants.

It's something that I'm really feeling as I work on exploring my kinkier side and expressing myself sexually, especially as a switch with both dominant and submissive tendencies.

It's like this wild oscillation between these two super compartmentalized parts of myself. Part of me just wants to be desired and have somebody want me so bad that I feel like I'd do anything to make them happy. And I'm really working on accepting that side of me and getting more comfortable expressing it, but as a cis man I still have a ton of internalized baggage to unpack vis a vis masculinity and traditional male gender roles and all that bullshit in the back of your head that tells you it's pathetic and unmanly and unattractive to be passive and soft, hence The Baby.

On the other hand, part of me wishes I could be more comfortable expressing my own desires in a more active way. It's not like I don't want to run my hands and mouth all over someone I like until they're putty in my hands when I see them post a sexy pic, of course I do. It sounds fucking stupid to put it so plainly, but expressing sexual desire to someone usually still gives me a ton of anxiety, even when there's no expectation or intention beyond making the other person feel good.

Being a relatively recent member or the alphabet mafia, most of my friends growing up were queer in some way, but I never really allowed myself to feel like part of that group. No doubt theres all kinds of baggage there vis a vis expressing my sexuality. Growing up surrounded by stories of creepy men and their predatory behavior instilled this fervent anxiety to never be one of those guys, which kind of led to me overcorrecting the opposite way and being too paralyzed by the anxiety of being perceived as one of those (rightly) reviled men with no respect for boundaries to be sexually forward at all, hence The Predator.

I'll cut it off here cause this already turned into way longer of a rant than I meant. I don't really have a solution for this issue I guess, just a shoutout to all my fellow men/boys/mascs whatever term you prefer, cis or trans, from just another guy who knows the struggle.

you all need to think about how you interact with trans men online, like really think

recently one of my posts about being a trans man and casually interacting with another trans man got about 90,000 notes and the tags and comments are full of ‘too pure for this earth’, ‘i’m a dirty sinner i don’t deserve to read this post’, ‘adorable cute sweet precious boys’ despite the fact that it’s mentioned that i am in college and not a child in the post and you all need to think about how some trans men do not want to be referred to that way and being okay with being referred to that way is pretty much exclusively a young teenager tumblr thing that makes a lot of guys uncomfortable. i’m just a man. none of this is necessary and it’s very performative, but…

along with this infantilizing, with this obsession with the proposed purity of another man and myself just for existing, there’s also dehumanization that comes with it, for example:

somewhere along the post, someone decided it would be a good idea to add, ‘all i can imagine is two eldritch horrors trying to get their voices as horrifying and fucked up as possible’ (not exact quote but that’s the gist of it)…

and someone decided that it would be a good idea to take my experience, wildly change the context and make a FANFIC, on MY OWN POST, of two eldritch MONSTERS upset because their voices didn’t sound ‘as horrific’ as the ‘monsters’ around them, and bonding over it together. nowhere in this fanfiction was being trans mentioned.

this is, quite possibly, the most horrifying thing someone has added to one of my posts and going beyond dehumanizing my experiences as a trans man enjoying my voice getting deeper, but also writing a fanfiction onto the post that changed the context of ‘two trans men finding validation between one another and our voices’ into ‘two monsters are sad they’re not scary enough and bond over trying to be scary together’. i shouldn’t have to explain how horrible that is for me to read, and how horrible it is to see that added on my own post & circulated through hundreds with no criticism.

quite frankly, it’s devastating to see how people talk about and interact with trans men. we are either children who must be protected and are weak and vulnerable and ‘too pure’, or we are fuel for your fanfics that completely strip us of our humanity. i consent to neither and if you think that any of these things are okay to do to a complete stranger, all you’re doing is patting yourself on the back for your performative ally points while making trans men uncomfortable with sharing their experiences and talking about their lives and trying to be happy with themselves. stop it. 

[testudoaubrei-blog]

Content note for discussions of eternal damnation, and all sorts of other shit that will trigger a lot of folks with religious trauma.

Before I get started I might as well explain where I’m coming from - unlike a lot of She-Ra fans, and a lot of queer people, I don’t have much religious trauma, or any, maybe (okay there were a number of years I was convinced I was going to hell, but that happens to everyone, right?). I was raised a liberal Christian by liberal Christian parents in the Episcopal Church, where most of my memories are overwhelmingly positive. Fuck, growing up in the 90’s, Chuch was probably the only place outside my home I didn’t have homophobia spewed at me. Because it was the 90’s and it was a fucking hellscape of bigotry where 5 year olds knew enough to taunt each other with homophobic slurs and the adults didn’t know enough to realize how fucked up that was. Anyway. This is my experience, but it is an atypical one, and I know it. Quite frankly I know that my experience of Christianity has very little at all to do with what most people experienced, or what people generally mean when they talk about Christianity as a cultural force in America today. So if you were raised Christian and you don’t recognize your theology here, congrats, neither do I, but these ideas and cultural forces are huge and powerful and dominant. And it’s this dominant Christian narrative that I’m referring to in this post. As well as, you know, a children’s cartoon about lesbian rainbow princesses. So here it goes. This is going to get batshit.

"All events whatsoever are governed by the secret counsel of God." - John Calvin

“We’re all just a bunch of wooly guys” - Noelle Stevenson

This is a post triggered by a single scene, and a single line. It’s one of the most fucked-up scenes in She-Ra, toward the end of Save the Cat. Catra, turned into a puppet by Prime, struggles with her chip, desperately trying to gain control of herself, so lost and scared and vulnerable that she flings aside her own death wish and her pride and tearfully begs Adora to rescue her. Adora reaches out , about to grab her, and then Prime takes control back, pronounces ‘disappointing’ and activates the kill switch that pitches Catra off the platform and to her death (and seriously, she dies here, guys - also Adora breaks both her legs in the fall). But before he does, he dismisses Catra with one of his most chilling lines. “Some creatures are meant only for destruction.”

And that’s when everyone watching probably had their heart broken a little bit, but some of the viewers raised in or around Christianity watching the same scene probably whispered ‘holy shit’ to themselves. Because Prime’s line - which works as a chilling and callous dismissal of Catra - is also an allusion to a passage from the Bible. In fact, it’s from one of the most fucked up passages in a book with more than its share of fucked up passages. It’s from Romans 9:22, and I’m going to quote several previous verses to give the context of the passage (if not the entire Epistle, which is more about who needs to abide by Jewish dietary restrictions but was used to construct a systematic theology in the centuries afterwards because people decided it was Eternal Truth).

19 Thou wilt say then unto me, Why doth he yet find fault? For who hath resisted his will?

20 Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?

21 Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour?

22 What if God, willing to shew his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction:

The context of the allusion supports the context in the show. Prime is dismissing Catra - serial betrayer, liar, failed conqueror, former bloody-handed warlord - as worthless, as having always been worthless and fit only to be destroyed. He is speaking from a divine and authoritative perspective (because he really does think he’s God, more of this in my TL/DR Horde Prime thing). Prime is echoing not only his own haughty dismissal of Catra, and Shadow Weaver’s view of her, but also perhaps the viewer’s harshest assessment of her, and her own worst fears about herself. Catra was bad from the start, doomed to destroy and to be destroyed. A malformed pot, cracked in firing, destined to be shattered against a wall and have her shards classified by some future archaeologist 2,000 years later. And all that’s bad enough.

But the full historical and theological context of this passage shows the real depth of Noelle Stevenson’s passion and thought and care when writing this show. Noelle was raised in Evangelical or Fundamentalist Christianity. To my knowledge, he has never specified what sect or denomination, but in interviews and her memoir Noelle has shown a particular concern for questions that this passage raises, and a particular loathing for the strains of Protestant theology that take this passage and run with it - that is to say, Calvinism. So while I’m not sure if Noelle was raised as a conservative, Calvinist Presbyterian, his preoccupation with these questions mean that it’s time to talk about Calvinism.

It would be unfair, perhaps, to say that Calvinism is a systematic theology built entirely upon the Epistles of Romans and Galatians, but only -just- (and here my Catholic readers in particular will chuckle to themselves and lovingly stroke their favorite passage of the Epistle of James). The core of Calvinist Doctrine is often expressed by the very Dutch acronym TULIP:

Total Depravity - people are wholly evil, and incapable of good action or even willing good thoughts or deeds

Unconditional Election - God chooses some people to save because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, not because they did anything to deserve, trigger or accept it

Limited Atonement - Jesus died only to save the people God chose to save, not the rest of us bastards

Irresistible Grace - God chooses some people to be saved - if you didn’t want to be saved, too bad, God said so.

Perseverance of the Saints - People often forget this one and assume it’s ‘predestination’ but it’s actually this - basically, once saved by God, always saved, and if it looks like someone falls out of grace, they were never saved to begin with. Well that’s all sealed up tight I guess.

Reading through these, predestination isn’t a single doctrine in Calvinism but the entire theological underpinnings of it together with humanity’s utter powerlessness before sin. Basically God has all agency, humanity has none. Calvinism (and a lot of early modern Protestantism) is obsessed with questions of how God saves people (grace alone, AKA Sola Fides) and who God saves (the people god elects and only the people God elects, and fuck everyone else).

It’s apparent that Noelle was really taken by these questions, and repelled by the answers he heard. He’s alluded to having a tattoo refuting the Gospel passage about Sheep and Goats being sorted at the end times, affirming instead that ‘we’re all just a bunch of wooly guys’ (you can see this goat tattoo in some of his self-portraits in comics, etc). He’s also mentioned that rejecting and subverting destiny is a huge part of everything he writes as a particular rejection of the idea that some individual people are 'chosen' by God or that God has a plan for any of us. You can see that -so clearly- in Adora’s arc, where Adora embraces and then rejects destiny time and again and finally learns to live life for herself.

But for Catra, we’re much more concerned about the most negative aspect of this - the idea that some people are vessels meant for destruction. And that’s something else that Noelle is preoccupied with. In her memoir in the section about leaving the church and becoming a humanistic atheist, there is a drawing of a pot and the question ‘Am I a vessel prepared for destruction?’ Obviously this was on Noelle’s mind (And this is before he came out to himself as queer!).

To look at how this question plays out in Catra’s entire arc, let’s first talk about how ideas of damnation and salvation actually play out in society. And for that I’m going to plug one of my favorite books, Gin Lun’s Damned Nation: Hell in America from the Revolution to Reconstruction (if you can tell by now, I am a fucking blast at parties). Lun tells the long and very interesting story about, how ideas of hell and who went there changed during the Early American Republic. One of the interesting developments that she talks about is how while at first people who were repelled by Calvinism started moving toward a doctrine of universal salvation (no on goes to hell, at least not forever*), eventually they decided that hell was fine as long as only the right kind of people went there. Mostly The Other - non-Christian foreigners, Catholics, Atheists, people who were sinners in ways that were not just bad but weird and violated Victorian ideas of respectability. Really, Hell became a way of othering people, and arguably that’s how it survives today, especially as a way to other queer people (but expanding this is slated for my Montero rant). Now while a lot of people were consciously rejecting Calvinist predestination, they were still drawing the distinction between the Elect (good, saved, worthwhile) and the everyone else (bad, damned, worthless). I would argue that secularized ideas of this survive to this day even among non-Christian spaces in our society - we like to draw lines between those who Elect, and those who aren’t.

And that’s what brings us back to Catra. Because Catra’s entire arc is a refutation of the idea that some people are worthless and irredeemable, either by nature, nurture or their own actions. Catra’s actions strain the conventions of who is sympathetic in a Kid’s cartoon - I’ve half joked that she’s Walter White as a cat girl, and it’s only half a joke. She’s cruel, self-deluded, she spends 4 seasons refusing to take responsibility for anything she does and until Season 5 she just about always chooses the thing that does the most damage to herself and others. As I mentioned in my Catra rant, the show goes out of its way to demonstrate that Catra is morally culpable in every step of her descent into evil (except maybe her break with reality just before she pulls the lever). The way that Catra personally betrays everyone around her, the way she strips herself of all of her better qualities and most of what makes her human, hell even her costume changes would signal in any other show that she’s irredeemable.

It’s tempting to see this as Noelle’s version of being edgy - pushing the boundaries of what a sympathetic character is, throwing out antiheroics in favor of just making the villain a protagonist. Noelle isn’t quite Alex ‘I am in the business of traumatizing children’ Hirsch, who seems to have viewed his job as pushing the bounds of what you could show on the Disney Channel (I saw Gravity Falls as an adult and a bunch of that shit lives rent free in my nightmares forever), but Noelle has his own dark side, mostly thematically. The show’s willingness to deal with abuse, and messed up religious themes, and volatile, passionate, not particularly healthy relationships feels pretty daring. I’m not joking when I gleefully recommend this show to friends as ‘a couple from a Mountain Goats Song fights for four seasons in a cartoon intended for 9 year olds’. Noelle is in his own way pushing the boundaries of what a kids show can do. If you read Noelle’s other works like Nimona, you see an argument for Noelle being at least a bit edgy. Nimona is also angry, gleefully destructive, violent and spiteful - not unlike Catra. Given that it was a 2010s webcomic and not a kids show, Nimona is a good deal worse than Catra in some ways - Catra doesn’t kill people on screen, while Nimona laughs about it (that was just like, a webcomic thing - one of the fan favorite characters in my personal favorite, Narbonic, was a fucking sociopath, and the heroes were all amoral mad scientists, except for the superintelligent gerbil**). But unlike Nimona, whose fate is left open ended, Catra is redeemed.

And that is weird. We’ve had redemption arcs, but generally not of characters with -so- much vile stuff in their history. Going back to the comparison between her and Azula, many other shows, like Avatar, would have made Catra a semi-sympathetic villain who has a sob-story in their origin but who is beyond redemption, and in so doing would articulate a kind of psychologized Calvinism where some people are too traumatized to ever be fully and truly human. I’d argue this is the problem with Azula as a character - she’s a fun villain, but she doesn’t have moral agency, and the ultimate message of her arc - that she’s a broken person destined only to hurt people - is actually pretty fucked up. And that’s the origin story of so many serial killers and psycopaths that populate so many TV shows and movies. Beyond ‘hurt people hurt people’ they have nothing to teach us except perhaps that trauma makes you a monster and that the only possible response to people doing bad things is to cut them out of your life and out of our society (and that’s why we have prisons, right?)

And so Catra’s redemption and the depths from which she claws herself back goes back to Noelle’s desire to prove that no person is a vessel ‘fitted for destruction.’ Catra goes about as far down the path of evil as we’ve ever seen a protagonist in a kids show go, and she still has the capacity for good. Importantly, she is not subject to total depravity - she is capable of a good act, if only one at first. Catra is the one who begins her own redemption (unlike in Calvinism, where grace is unearned and even unwelcomed) - because she wants something better than what she has, even if its too late, because she realizes that she never wanted any of this anyway, because she wants to do one good thing once in her life even if it kills her.

The very extremity of Catra’s descent into villainy serves to underline the point that Noelle is trying to make - that no one can be written off completely, that everyone is capable of change, and that no human being is garbage, no matter how twisted they’ve become. Meanwhile her ability to set her own redemption in motion is a powerful statement of human agency, and healing, and a refutation of Calvinism’s idea that we are powerless before sin or pop cultural tropes about us being powerful before the traumas of our upbringing. Catra’s arc, then, is a kind of anti-Calvinist theological statement - about the nature of people and the nature of goodness.

Now, there is a darker side to this that Noelle has only hinted at, but which is suggested by other characters on the show. Because while Catra’s redemption shows that people are capable of change, even when they’ve done horrible things, been fucked up and fucked themselves up, it also illustrates the things people do to themselves that make change hard. As I mentioned in my Catra rant, two of the most sinister parts of her descent into villainy are her self-dehumanization (crushing her own compassion and desire to do good) and her rewriting of her own history in her speech and memory to make her own actions seem justified (which we see with her insistence that Adora left her, eliding Adora’s offers to have Catra join her, or her even more clearly false insistence that Entrapta had betrayed them). In Catra, these processes keep her going down the path of evil, and allow her to nearly destroy herself and everyone else. But we can see the same processes at work in two much darker figures - Shadow Weaver and Horde Prime. These are both rants for another day, but the completeness of Shadow Weaver’s narcissistic self-justification and cultivated callousness and the even more complete narcissism of Prime’s god complex cut both characters off from everyone around them. Perhaps, in a theoretical sense, they are still redeemable, but for narrative purposes they might as well be damned.

This willingness to show a case where someone -isn’t- redeemed actually serves to make Catra’s redemption more believable, especially since Noelle and the writers draw the distinction between how Catra and SW/Prime can relate to reality and other people, not how broken they are by their trauma (unlike Zuko and Azula, who are differentiated by How Fucked Uolp They Are). Redemption is there, it’s an option, we can always do what is right, but someone people will choose not to, in part because doing the right thing involves opening ourselves to the world and others, and thus being vulnerable. Noelle mentions this offhandedly in an interview after Season 1 with the She-Ra Progressive of Power podcast - “I sometimes think that shades of grey, sympathetic villains are part of the escapist fantasy of shows like this.” Because in the real world, some people are just bastards, a point that was particularly clear in 2017. Prime and Shadow Weaver admit this reality, while Catra makes a philosophical point that even the bastards can change their ways (at least in theory).

*An idea first proposed in the second century by Origen, who’s a trip and a fucking half by himself, and an idea that becomes the Catholic doctrine of purgatory, which protestants vehemently denied!

**Speaking of favorite Noelle tropes

[lee-scribbles-and-doodles]

My Top Ten Overlooked Movies With Female Leads In No Particular Order

Note: When you see this emoji (⚠️) I will be talking about things people may find triggering, which are spoilery more often then not. I mention things that I think may count as triggers so that people with them will be aware before going in to watch any of these.

Edited: 3/16/21

Hanna (2011)

So, before I get into why you should watch this movie, I just want to take a moment to say why it's near and dear to my heart. Growing up as a queer kid in the early 2000s, seeing portrayals of people like or similar to myself on anything was rare at best. It was mostly in more "adult" movies or shows that my parents would occasionally let me watch with them that I'd see any lgbtq+ rep at all. Often times they were either walking stereotypes, designed to be buried, evil, or all three.

Then here comes this PG-13 action thriller with a wonderfully written main female lead who, at the time, was close to my age, and who got to kiss another girl (her very first friend, Sophie) on screen in an extremely tender and heartwarming scene. To say the least, it was a life changing moment for me personally.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, Hanna is a suspenseful movie about a child super-soldier named, you guessed it, Hanna (played by Saoirse Ronan) and her adoptive (?) father Erik Heller (played by Eric Bana) exiting the snowy and isolated wilderness of their home and taking on the shadowy CIA operative, Marissa Wiegler (played by Cate Blanchette) who wants Erik dead and Hanna for herself for mysterious reasons.

It also has an amazing soundtrack by the Chemical Brothers, great action scenes, and it has an over arching fairytale motif, which I'm always a sucker for.

⚠️ Mild blood effects, some painful looking strikes, various character deaths, and child endangerment all feature in this film. However, given its PG-13 rating, a majority of viewers are presumably able to handle this one. Still, be aware of these going in.

Sidenote: It's recently gotten a TV adaptation on Amazon TV, although I have not watched it, and do not know if Hanna and Sophie's romantic/semi-romantic relationship has transferred over.

A Simple Favor

A Simple Favor is a "black-comedy mystery thriller" centered entirely around the relationship between two mothers, the reclusive, rich, mysterious, and regal Emily (played by Blake Lively), and the local recently widowed but plucky mommy blogger, Stephanie (played by Anna Kendrick). When Emily suddenly goes missing, Stephanie takes it upon herself to find out what happened to her new best friend.

It's a fantastic and entertaining movie throughout, with fun, flawed and interesting characters. The relationship between the two female leads is also implied to be at least somewhat romantic in nature, and they even share a kiss.

⚠️ The only major warnings I can think of is that the movie contains an instance of incest and one of the main plotlines revolves around child abuse, although both of these potentially triggering topics are not connected to each other, so there is thankfully no csa going on.

Edit: I legitimately forgot there was drug use in this movie until now. So, yeah, if that's a trigger, be careful of that.

I Am Mother

I became mildly obsessed with this movie when it came out. I Am Mother is a sci-fi film that centers entirely around a cast of two woman, and a female-adjacent robot who is brought to life on screen with absolutely amazing practical effects.

The plot is such, after an extinction-level event, a lone robot known only as Mother tasks herself with replenishing the human race via artifical means. She begins with the film's main protagonist, Daughter. Years go by as Mother raises her human child and the two prepare for Daughter's first sibling (a brother) to be born. However, on Daughter's 16th birthday, the arrival of an outsider known only as Woman shakes Daughter's entire world view. She begins to question Mother's very nature, as well as what's really going on outside the bunker she and her caretaker call home.

⚠️ This movie features child endangerment and reference to child death.

Lilo and Stitch

When I decided to add a single Disney film to this list I initially thought it was going to be hard but almost immediately my brain went to Lilo and Stitch, and specifically about the relationship between Lilo and Nani.

On the surface, this film is about a lonely little girl accidentally adopting a fugitive alien creature as a "dog," but underneath that the story is also about two orphaned sisters and the older sister's attempts to not let social services tear them apart by stepping up as the younger sister's primary guardian. Despite its seemingly goofy premise, Lilo and Stitch has a very emotional and thoughtful center. It's little wonder how this movie managed to spawn an entire franchise.

Despite the franchise it spawned (or possibly because of it), I often find that Lilo and Stitch is overlooked and many people only remember it for the "little girl adopts an alien as a pet" portion of its plot, and I very rarely see it on people's top 10 Disney lists.

⚠️ This movie could be potentially triggering to people who were separated from their siblings or other family members due to social service intervention. There's also a bit of child endangerment, including a scene where Lilo and Stitch both almost drown.

Nausicaä and the Valley of the Wind

Unlike the above entry, I did struggle a little bit with picking a single Studio Ghibli film. Most media of the Ghibli catalogue have strong, well-written, unique, and interesting female leads so selecting just one seemed like quite the task.

However, I eventually settled on this particular film. In recent months, Princess Nausicaä has become my absolute favorite Ghibli protagonist and I'm absolutely enchanted by the world she lives in.

Set in a post-apocalyptic world overun by giant insects and under threat of a toxic forest and its poisoness spores, Nausicaä must try to protect the Valley of the Wind from invaders as she also tries to understand the science behind the toxic forest and attempts to bridge the gap between the insects and the humans.

For those who have never seen the film, I think Nausicaä's personality can best be described as being similar to OT Luke Skywalker. Both are caring, compassionate, and gentle souls who are able to see the best in nearly anyone or anything. She's an absolutely enthralling protagonist and after rewatching the film again for the first time in well over a decade she has easily become one of my all time favorite protagonists.

Whenever I see people talk about Ghibli films, they rarely mention this one, and when they do mention it, it's often in passing. In my opinion it's a must watch.

⚠️ This movie contains some blood, and the folks who either don't like insects or who have entomophobia may not appreciate the giant bugs running about throughout the movie. (Although most insects do not directly relate to real life bugs, and are fantasy creatures).

A Silent Voice

A Silent Voice is an animated movie adaptation of a manga of the same name. While I've never had the pleasure to read the manga, the movie is phenomenal. It covers topics such a bullying, living in the world with a disability, the desire for atonement, social anxiety, and depression in a well thought out manner that ties itself together through the progression of the relationship between its two leads, Shoya and Shouko. It's also beautifully animated. Although very popular among anime viewers, I've noticed that it's often overlooked by people who watch little to no anime. So I suppose this is me urging non-anime viewers to give this film a chance.

⚠️ As mentioned above, the movie deals with bullying, anxiety, and depression (with this last one including suicidal thoughts and behaviour). If discussion of those topics are triggering to you, than you may want to proceed with caution or skip this movie all together.

In This Corner of The World

Another manga adaptation, this one taking place during WWII-era Japan. In This Corner of The World follows the life of a civilian Japanese woman, Suzu Urano, as she navigates simply living and her new marriage as the wartime invades nearly all aspects of everyday life. I think this movie is a good representation of what it must be like to be living as civilian in a country at war where the fight is sometimes fought on one's own soil. It was also an interesting look into pre-50s Japanese culture in my opinion. It's also beautifully animated featuring an art style I don't see often.

Despite it being well known among anime fans, I never really see it be brought up, even among said anime fans themselves.

Side note: I've seen many WWII dramas centering around civilians but they've almost always been about American or UK civilians. This was the first movie I'd seen that features the perspective of a Japanese civilain.

⚠️ Features the death of a child and limb loss. There's also a disturbing scene featuring a victim of one of the atomic bombs near the end.

Wolf Children: Ame and Yuki

This film follows Hana, a Japan-native woman who fell in love with a magical shape-shifting wolf-man, and her trials with raising their children, who can also magically shape-shift into wolves, on her own. It's a very heartfelt movie about a mother's love and the struggles of doing right by your children when you have limited resources to actively guide and care for them. All the characters feel unique and alive in my opinion. Also, the animation is so good that my sister and I initially mistook it for a Ghibli film.

Again, like the previous two anime entries, I don't see it ever brought up outside of anime circles.

⚠️ There's some child endangerment present in the film, although none of it is the fault of Hana as far as I can remember.

Roman Holiday

Roman Holiday is about the fictional Princess Ann (played by Audrey Hepburn), who while on a whirlwind tour of Europe, finally reaches her breaking point over having her entire life be one big schedule and all her words and actions being rehearsed. In the spur of the moment, she runs away in hopes of experiencing what life is like for other women. Unfortunately, she was previously given a sedative, meaning she doesn't get too far before it takes effect. Fortunately, she is found by the kind reporter Joe Bradley (played by Gregory Peck). Believing her to be drunk and unable to get an address from her (because she has none) he ends up taking her home for safety's sake and allows her to sleep off her suppose drunken stupor. The next day, he realizes who she is, and decides to take her on a fun sight seeing trip across Rome in hopes of getting the big scoop. Along the way, they begin to fall for each other.

This is my favorite black and white, old romance film. I think the relationship between the main characters is absolutely beautiful and I have a lot of fun watching it.

⚠️ I'm not entirely sure what kind of warning this film would need. However, it was released in 1953, so values dissonance will probably be at play for many viewers to at least some extent. For example, early in the film Ann is given sedation drugs by her doctor for her behavior, something that is very unlikely to happen today. Also, Mr Bradley deciding to take Ann home to keep her safe rather than call the police or an ambulance is a very pre-90s decision in my opinion.

[nightswithkookmin]

Goldy I never thought I would reach out to any Jikook blog but after your last post I have to. I am an east asian american and trans. I have never spoken on this issue, commented or posted about this. I am a Jikook supporter but sometimes Jikook supporting blogs don't feel like the friendliest place. I want to thank you for changing my opinion on that. It is an insult to BTS to say Jikook don't know they seem gay or that they don't know what gay looks like. It is an insult to fans like me to say it would be OK to do the things they do if they were cisgendered straight men. I personally saw a few people say or dance around this and they got intimidated by big blogs for it. I would never name names because I beleive in free speech and the right of people to express themselves, as long as it isn't hate speech. Supporting lgbt people and making sure they don't feel endangered is MORE IMPORTANT THAN STANNING A KPOP BAND and I say this as a 4 year long bts and Jikook stan. So many people don't want to touch this issue and I understand why.

But thank you for supporting ACTUAL lgbt people as well as bts and showing stubborn people that BTS mean gay rights when they say gay rights.

I don't know why but this Ask made me cry...

I've been reading it over and over for the past two days and each time I feel humbled by it. Thanks so much for sharing this with me.

I think the era of the obsessed 'kids' and '13 year old shippers' in this space is coming to an end. I think it's time for a more nuanced mature conversation on what it means to ship and stan our faves in today's sociopolitical climate.

Let's intellectualize shipping and use it as a vehicle for social change not just pleasure. Sabotaging political hashtags is a start. Trending and donating to BLM is equally important. Fighting for gay rights and recognition is the next step and a natural progression from here- and about damn time!

Gone are the days where celebrities and idols were immune to accountability and personal responsibility. We live in a world where everyone is required to be converstant in and sensitive to social issues. Awareness is woven into our collective consciousness and for some of us we cannot divorce that from our pleasure receptors.

Hate to quote my pastor but, 'As a kid, I spoke, thought and reasoned like a kid. As I grew up, chilee darling, I put my ghetto ways aside. You feel me?' Lol. Yea, my pastor hood like that. Lol.

The fact of the matter is, BTS has a higher mature demographics now. Majority of us grew with them, if not past them. They are not seventeen anymore, Jin is almost thirty, the youngest in the group is past twenty three and majority of their fanbase are breaching Young Adult well into Adulthood and beyond.

We simply cannot view them with the same lens anymore. If we did, we would be infantilizing them if not enabling them.

We ought to be able to have certain conversations that reflect our age, hearts, backgrounds, experience, values and beliefs.

We can't sit behind our television sets and smart phone screens in this day and age and assume BTS sat through a performance like this and did not for a second think about what it meant, why the crowd cheered at certain moments or even understand the impact, message and intent behind it- especially not when Halsey, an openly bisexual woman and advocate for LGBTG rights is an acquaintance of thiers.

I don't know how a fraction of this fandom can assume BTS would have a collaboration of this nature and not know anything about the gay rights discourse or what queer baiting is or not consider how their actions may or may not be contributing to the marginalization of persons as these- to not have agency and personal responsibility or empathy.

JK cannot stan a gay artist such as Troye Sivan and divorce his music from his sexuality because it flows from it. Not when Troye has openly spoken about the struggles he went through as a closeted gay man, coming out and how that affected his mental health.

JK knows what gay is, he is aware of the struggles queer people face on a daily. His decision to cover, license and recommend songs by this artist is a deliberate act coming from a place of being informed on the matter.

Jimin knows. RM knows. Suga knows.

BTS cannot prepare a speech like this while oblivious to the plight of the LGBTQ plus community. I refuse to believe that simply because it's not true. Anyone who says otherwise is a scammer. Lol.

And I think they are intelligent enough to have cognisance of the fact majority of the world view certain aspects of their home culture as problematic and non-progressive and that this same world is watching them and what they do in this space matters.

They are part of the conversation. And it's in their interest to present themselves as queer a queer friendly band and company by distinctifying themselves from these 'traditional' Kpop bands.

I believe they know that being woke gives them a competitive advantage as MCs and advocates for the youth in today's world.

I believe they are aware certain things in their 'fan service culture' doesn't fly in the space they compete in and want to compete in. They are competing and rubbing shoulders with top LGBTQ plus advocates, sharing seats with them at awards, standing next to them- they best to look sharp.

It's obtuse for anyone to fall on the 'culture' rhetoric to excuse certain behaviors of their idols when actual queer people from and within that same culture fight against it.

Most S. koreans I know and have come across complain about their 'culture' and some even harbor strong resentments against this whole fanservice culture.

Holland, an openly gay Idol from South Korea, has equally spoken out against the 'fan service' culture prevalent within Kpop on several occasions and laments how it depoliticizes queerness and affects actual queer people within S.K.

And isn't it funny that the same conservative Christian population who strongly oppose homosexuality in S.K often lead online campaigns against Jikook for 'promoting homosexuality' because of certain fanservice and skinship they do?

If skinship is normal and fanservice is culture, why does conservative S.K keep pushing back against it? It's their culture uno?! Lmho.

Queer south Koreans and conservative Christians hate fanservice culture and yet here we are using their culture to defend it as if it's all black and white. Lmho.

Did they or did they not see South Korean's reactions to this performance by Jikook? The mixed feelings most had about it?

Men can nibble on men's ear but God forbid they toss them in the air and catch em💀

South Koreans are not a monolith. Their culture is nuanced like any culture. It's not static and not clear cut black and white either.

It's one thing to respect other's culture, it's another to perpetuate it in ignorance. Perpetuating their culture and being religious about it does not allow for the dynamism inherent in their culture.

Troye Sivan talked about how he'd stop in the middle of his concerts and performances upon seeing the hyper fangirls in the front row and then think to himself, 'I know they know I'm gay, so why are they still here...'

And this was before he came out.

Jikook know we know they are queer or that we think of them as queer. When Jimin talks about 'those that love me for me' he knows exactly what he is talking about or rather who he is talking to- it's not these hets I'm afraid.

Troye also talked about being privileged because he lived in a rather queer friendly neighborhood where everyone is gay and so he'd always felt safe coming out.

Isn't that what JK is doing?

Now this is a person who's without a doubt had a lot of influence on JK in his early formative years as an Idol right down to his decision to move into a much queer friendly neighborhood of Itaewon.

They know we know. Jikook is gay.

Thankfully, there are reports of a rising number of LGBTQ plus in South Korea, a lot of allies, a lot of queer folks coming out and a lot of companies opening up to working with gay idols and aspiring idols.

It's such a relief but a lot of work still needs to be done and I stand with them on behalf of Jikook and any queer folk in SK.

My sister is helping me reach out to an LGBTQ plus advocate from Seoul for an interview for my blog. If everything goes well, I'd love for her to share her thoughts on queer passing, queer baiting and fan service within Kpop and how that affects LGBTQ youth in South K.

It's a conversation I'm really passionate about and interested in.

I love me some ships, but I also love me some queer advocacy and human rights uno? Lol.

Thing is, I may quit BTS one day, but I can never quit being me. Being human. Always put the human first is my motto.

Oh and I hear people are plotting to cancel me? Chilee. Y'all do that but:

Let it echo.

Signed,

GOLDY

[kissimirrit]

as an ex truscum how did you come to terms with the harm youve caused others and make up for it? do you still struggle with unlearning truscum standards?

i think it’s important i don’t hide or censor my past, no matter how embarrassed or regretful i might be from it. people have the right to know about someone’s past bigotry and to decide their boundaries with that person from that point on. i think it’s an important part of my past for people to know of when the topic comes up.

i stopped being truscum almost 5 years ago; and yes—i still struggle with unlearning truscum standards, because i learned them during my formative years of development. because of that, i really vibe with the saying "The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think; what you think next defines who you are." —because i’ll still catch myself thinking very... exclusionary things and have to stop and reflect why i’m thinking that, and then correct my thoughts accordingly. it’s forever a process of self-reflection and checking. 

(read-more’d for length) tl;dr—i realized being truscum was bad and then i became a die-hard inclusionist, and even began identifying with labels that 2012 me would hate.

i only really came to terms with the fact i was causing harm in say, late 2016 or *very* early 2017 when one of my most treasured friends admitted to me that xe was afraid to tell me xe was nonbinary, because we both had identified as truscum and xe was in the process of dropping those beliefs, whereas i hadn’t gotten to that point myself until xe told me about hir identity and reason for being afraid of telling me. and if one of my best friends felt terrified of telling me their identity, or literally anything about themselves; then obviously i was fucking up big time and doing something incredibly wrong.

so that was like, my first step in dropping those beliefs. and making up for it has been an incredibly long road. dropping all forms of gate-keeping, queer-separatism, and otherwise exclusionary beliefs in favor of becoming a radically inclusive person of any good-faith identity, to the point of even adopting some “discoursed” labels myself (ie: straight-lesbian trans man) has been a 5 year long journey. 

i started identifying as truscum when i was 13 or 14, back in 2011 or 2012 when the word was first coined. there was a tumblr post, calling those who were binary trans people and (forgive me my memory is fuzzy) didn’t hate cis people as “true transexual scum. truescum.” and the term truscum stuck from that. and back then the community was really small. there was just a handful of us in the FTM tag telling other trans guys that they can’t identify as lesbians and that they should stop tagging their selfies as both “FTM” and “lesbian”. (which is funny to me now because... i literally identify as an ftm lesbian now lmaaooo. i became the very thing i set out to destroy /lh).

and being truscum was kind of a catalyst for so many of the early exclusionary queer-separatism and incorporating radfem beliefs into early lgbt+ tumblr that i never really noticed until ace discourse got notoriously bad in 2016. 1. nonbinary-exclusion. back in 2012/2013 ‘trans’ used to be written as ‘trans*’, with the asterisk, for the inclusion of nonbinary identities. and at the time, truscum were notoriously against it because at the time, truscum believed that nonbinary identities weren’t real, so the asterisk was unnecessary and useless. and then an article came along that went into detail about how the asterisk was useless BECAUSE nonbinary people were inherently trans without any caveats, and ‘trans’ (without the asterisk) was already inclusive on nonbinary folk, not just binary trans men and women. so that kinda trickled down and eventually became the end of trans* asterisk, and after that an influx of nonbinary folks started to identify as truscum—however a lot of people who identified as truscum prior to this still held heavily anti-nonbinary beliefs. (and then truscum got kinda blamed for adding the asterisk in the first place so that kinda became an in-joke for a year or so. like, things truscum invented: the asterisk after trans asterisk, the word truscum, whales. etc)  2. transmisogyny, and adopting radfem talking points. i know in the early days (and probably still now, but i don’t know the demographics as i never kept up with them), the majority of truscum before 2014 were white, and binary trans men. (emphasis on the white trans men part.) Because of this, whenever there was a collective schism with a notable trans woman for whatever reason (adele idislikecispeople, genderpunkrock, kat blaque, etc. were all big ones during 2014), transmisogyny would be rampant. there were groups dedicated to somehow proving idislikecispeople was pretending to be a trans woman that were really invasive of her privacy (years before kiwifarms even touched the subject), and despite claiming to be a vehemently anti-radical feminist group—willingly accepted radfem talking points and even radfems who self-identified as truscum. and cisgendered self-identified truscum, especially adult cis MEN (usually gay, and were fairly aggressive to us teens??), were accepted with open arms and were looked up to for some fucking reason. y’know, bootlicking.  around 2014 was when the term “transmedicalist/transmedicalism” was coined by john snarkytransman, and was popularized by users who followed suit. it came about around 2013/2014. since then, the term has been synonymous with truscum- but in may 29, 2015, users who wanted to detach themselves from the label of truscum due to drama wish to mark a distinction between the two labels, which was largely popularized by john myragewillendworlds. because truscum was never supposed to be a community initially, it was supposed to be an ideology “like atheism”.  and a lot of the drama around the time when transmedicalist was coined was due to three distinct groups forming: the old truscum (those who had been around since near the beginning, like i was. usually adult binary trans men over 18 and in their early-to-mid 20s.), neo-truscum (mostly made up of teens around my age who were newly out and majorly identified as nonbinary, and latched onto the first group they came across, like i had years prior), and the FUCKING MARIGANG (a notorious group of radfem truscum who only believed in 2 distinct nonbinary identities, agender and bigender, and were... extremely volatile.) i was somehow in all 3 of these groups because of 1. the fact i had been truscum since the near conception of the term so i was oldscum, 2. i was within the age range of most of the neo-truscum so a lot of them were my friends, and 3. mari from the marigang was the first ever other non-SAM asexual (and adult!) i had ever met (aside from my then-gf, Gabe. whomst i still talk to and luv with all my heart <33) and i clung onto her despite how.... fucking wild she was. and her boyfriend eliot was the first ever intersex person i had come across after learning about my own intersex variation, and i was so desperate for validation from these two adults who both held two identities integral to myself that i had never met any else sharing before, so i ignored so many of the red flags they had. (and they had... so many.) which brings me to my next point!!!!! 3. queer-phobia and the beginning of ace discourse. (NOTE: i didn’t realize all of these groups were radfem until years later, and i didn’t know what “TWERF” meant at the time. i barely knew was a radfem was.) so the marigang (2013/2014 i think?) was known for being notoriously volatile and violent at the drop of a hat to anyone who they didn’t like and labeling them as “fauxscum”. even to their own members in the skype group. it was largely made up of radfems and even eliot was a self-described TWERF (despite... at the time identifying as a intersex cis man????). the marigang believed in two nonbinary identities only: bigender and agender. mari herself was agender, asexual, and aromantic, and would brag about abusing eliot because of how much she despised men. she was incredibly anti-AVEN and refused to be called ace, aro, or aroace, and would only go by non-AVEN terms like “asexual” and thought the split-attraction-model was bullshit. (which is why i also refused to go by the terms ace/aro/aroace and would only go by “asexual” up until late 2016/early 2017.) mari was also incredibly hypocritical, criticizing me for having a girlfriend despite IDing as asexual & aromantic, even though she also had a boyfriend with the same sorta partnership (except Gabe and i weren’t abusive, just a bit too young.) despite that, i latched onto mari as an idolized adult figure. branching off from the marigang was a group of asexual & aromantic, usually nonbinary, radfem truscum who called themselves asexual elitists. and i ended up joining that group through mari. this group in either late 2013 to mid 2014 became the basis of what ace discourse would become a year later. some of our key beliefs that would later generally be accepted by truscum (a lot of them even sharing some of these beliefs despite hating the marigang and such) and then later spread throughout tumblr were: 1. there is no asexual spectrum. you’re either asexual or you aren’t. micro-identities like demisexuality and grayasexuality are unnecessary because that’s 90% of the population. (the part about demigray-sexuality was already popular amongst truscum at this time.) 2. people aren’t oppressed for being asexual. it’s either misogyny or misdirected homophobia. (i don’t think the term aphobia/acephobia was coined yet, or was popularized at this time.) 3. queer is a violent slur and should not be used as a personal identity or for the community. (already a common opinion amongst truscum.) 4. the split-attraction-model is unnecessary, redundant, harmful, and destructive. that if your sexual and romantic orientations “conflict” (ie: biromantic heterosexual, homoromantic pansexual, etc.), then you’re either one or the other and just confused. that it’s homophobic/biphobic/lesbiphobic because it reduces people to sex. (was already 50/50 with truscum.) 5. the term “allosexual” is very AVEN-y (therefore bad) and, again, reduces people to sex. because us asexuals were the “abnormal” (an actual word used that i internalized) ones in society, we didn’t need a word to refer to non-asexuals, and just not-asexual worked for it. 6. pansexuality don’t real and it’s just bisexuality under a special label. (was already 50/50 with truscum.) 7. the only existing orientations are gay/lesbian, bi, and straight. asexuality is the LACK of a sexuality and therefore not an orientation.  8. AVEN sucks. fuck AVEN. fuck david jay. MOGAI sucks. intersex isn’t lgbt. (i was the only intersex person a part of the asexual elitists (sans eliot) so i was kinda expected to just... agree with it. so i did. i didn’t have any opinions of my own for it. and mari was adamant about it because she was outspoken about eliot’s intersexuality.) — i’m probably missing some but these were off the top of my head. do those sound familiar? these were the beliefs of both the marigang and the asexual elitists groups, that were probably taken from radfems and then spread to truscum and to the rest of tumblr—which then spread out further through the internet, since many users had deviantarts and twitters and would take discourse to other places. et cetera et cetera. i left the marigang in late 2014 i want to say? and returned to the general truscum community, and the marigang fell apart due to in-fighting. but the damage had already been done at that point, and those of us left were still spreading this rhetoric to others who then continued to spread it. ------ i think i started to become an inclusionist in late 2015 or early 2016 when ace discourse STARTED to take off outside of truscum circles. because whenever i talked about bigotry i happened to face due to be asexuality, i was met with “that didn’t happen” and people dismissing my experiences and telling me i had no place in the lgbt community (“i never thought the leopards would eat my face” -person who supported the ‘leopards eating faces’ party). i began to notice how kinda... fucked up these exclusionist beliefs were, now that i was on the receiving end of them? so i left the truscum community (despite still holding transmedicalist beliefs at this time) and i made an ace discourse blog called acehet (which at the time i made it, was called allosexuel. but before that i helped run a blog called allodiscourse which then got rebranded to something else after i left idk??) i still held onto some of these initial beliefs. that the split attraction model was silly, that asexuality wasn’t a spectrum, that AVEN was harmful, pansexuality is just special bisexuality, queer was a slur, etc etc. and i did my best to actively work towards unlearning a lot of these things and began to blog in support of them, even if my best friend at the time (the one who later came out to me as nonbinary and inspired me to drop transmedicalist beliefs entirely) still believed in all of these things and felt like i was beginning to believe in the wrong things. (i think because of that i sorta inspired hir to become an inclusionist too after hir past exclusionism too? ze's never said what sorta made hir change hir stance. idk!) and through that, i began to realize that the root of so many gatekeeping beliefs and arguments were founded through radical feminism, truscum/transmedicalists, and bigotry in general. that so many of these parroted arguments were rehashed versions of “trans women aren’t women” to “nondysphorics aren’t trans” to “bihets aren’t lgbt” to “asexuals(and aromantics) aren’t lgbt” to “intersex people aren’t lgbt” and so forth. invading communities, stealing resources, preying on young lesbians (making her reject womanhood and become nonbinary/trans, internalized lesbiphobia and IDing as ace or bi, somehow sexually abusing them, etc.) and so on. they’re all the same fucking arguments. from the same fucking sources.  and i have been saying this for years since i realized it. there are maybe 1 or 2 beliefs i held onto since i started interacting with the truscum community back in 2011, before the term was coined. but i believe it only for myself, and do not apply it to anyone else. i, personally and for myself only, believe my own transexuality is a medical condition characterized by my dysphoria, and i’ve never really identified with the trans community. i don’t identify with the trans flag, so i don’t use it for myself. i avoid the term “trans” unless necessary. and in 2016-2018 i pretended to be a cis man online until it became too much and i hated lying. i don’t apply this to anyone else, only myself. because i only want to focus on the medical aspect of my transition. this is a major contrast with my intersex identity. where i don’t consider my intersex variation to be a condition, but rather a major identity of mine. whereas most people would see the inverse of this—that trans is an identity and intersex is a condition. for me, and me personally, it’s the opposite. my intersexuality is my identity and my transexuality is my condition. (i cannot stress enough that i only apply this belief to myself, nobody else.) i identify with the intersex community, i identify with the intersex flag, and being intersex is the most major part of my presentation and gender. there’s probably so many things i’ve missed since it’s been a decade since the conception of truscum as a group. before that i believe there were a similar group made up of trans women on some forums called HBSers (harry benjamin syndrome-ers). unlearning all of these beliefs i’ve internalized in my youth and trying to use my past as a way to dissuade people away from gate-keeping and exclusionism has been what i’ve been doing my best to do since around late 2015, even if i was still in the process of dropping my own harmful and exclusionary separatist beliefs after that time. there are still truscum-y thoughts that creep back into my mind every time i might come across something new or “cringy”, but after 2018/2019 when i finally came to the full realization that HRT would never work on me (my biggest nightmare since 2013 when i learned i was intersex)—i fully embraced my own cringy identity as a straight-lesbian ftm intersex man and embraced MOGAI as a term.  all queer-separatism beliefs, exclusionism, gate-keeping, and other lgbtqia+ infighting all stems from bigotry and hate. it stems from radfems, from truscum/transmedicalists, from people “exclusionists” claim to hate yet have no problem parroting arguments from. it’s all rooted in hatred and elitism and separating the “pure” identities away from the “bad” ones. all forms of gate-keeping in queer communities like this is bigoted and harmful, because it’s a slippery slope into all the other forms of gate-keeping as well. anyway i hope this wasn’t hard to read? i’m pretty rambly and i have trouble keeping my thoughts in check. i’ve most likely missed a lot of things and forgotten many more, but this is more or less the timeline that led me to learn that being truscum was genuinely and incredibly fucking harmful and i am still trying to make up for it. my 2 biggest regrets in life are 1. being truscum and 2. inventing circumgender. 

[hazzabeeforlou]

Fine Line Masterpost:

A breakdown, musically and lyrically 

In Fine Line, ‘raw honesty’ doesn’t really mean delving into the details of who Harry Styles is sleeping with, but rather it’s a glimpse into the world of a 25-year-old who is both deeply in love and who fucks up a lot; he’s given to sugary supplications, is plagued by jealousy, pouts at consequences, and struggles with understanding an inner self that keeps prodding him towards exploration of his identity.  

The album is constructed to be consumed by various factions of the fandom. There’s no getting away from the surface dedication of HS2 as an ode to a blonde supermodel with a delicious French accent whose new boyfriend’s father owns a gallery, a girl who has golden hair and blue eyes. I won’t be arguing that away, because it’s intentional, it’s meant to be the surface layer. 

The mantle is not the crust, though. Taken individually, each song can be seen as speaking to the queer experience in varied and complex ways, and I’ve seen some truly beautiful explorations of this angle. Especially with TPWK and FL, the anthemic solidarity with queer experience is astounding and gorgeous. I think it’s no accident that this broad take holds true as we zoom in and look at the complex details; Harry has written songs that speak both to this meaning and also hold incredibly personal and intimate significance between him and a partner (in this post we’ll call them Subject). 

I will be focusing on the album as a cohesive narrative in the context of it’s chronological, linear progression. Fine Line details an incredibly personal struggle; it’s a love letter, an at times embarrassing, self-loathing reflection on a love gone wrong, a love struggling, an emerging self, and a hope redeemed. 

Please feel free to ask questions if any of the technical stuff is confusing, but please also remember that these are my opinions, coupled with my analysis as a professional musician (meaning, hopefully I’m remembering those torturous years of theory dictation correctly!) 

Side A 

All four songs share an off-kilter-ness, a restless, unsettled, frantic feeling, as if Harry is balancing, undecided between throwing himself at the feet of the one he loves or pulling away. This is no illusion; the tonic base is missing from each song save WS (but even here the tonic is sabotaged in our ear, as we’ll discuss). We’re on a journey to side B; we start with a hope that sweet memories and lust can salvage love, and we end with Harry going his own way.

Golden: There are only two chords in this song, DM and CM7, the V and IV7 of the implied tonic, G Major. We never get to tonic though. We never touch that home base. The songs “da da da’s” give it a happier, peppier illusion than the text reveals. 

Harry is already broken, already reflecting and hopeless as the song begins. His intended listener, Subject - the sun, the golden one - waits for him in the sky, and is all he’s ever known. Subject has always browned his skin just right, but now, Harry reflects, perhaps has been too bright for him. (Is some aspect of Harry buried in the brilliance of Subject’s light?) This golden Subject is scared, though, scared Harry is so open. Harry doesn’t want to be alone, but he also needs to peel back edges of himself previously unexplored. Stepping into and away from light is a major theme for Harry, and this opening song sets that precedent. Subject is scared because “hearts get broken,” but Harry’s heart is already broken, so perhaps this refers not to interpersonal heartbreak, but situational. Harry recognizes he’s “out of his head...” BUT, he counters, “Loving you’s the antidote!” He naively gushes out poetry while Subject remains unconvinced. We establish an impasse. 

Watermelon Sugar: The Dm - Cm - Am6 - GM chord progression is an odd one; my best guess is that the song is in D minor, so the progression is: 

i, VII, v, IV

 That’s not typical in a minor key. Usually the leading tone note (in this case a C) is raised (so C#) making the five chord Major (V) not minor (v) and the seven chord diminished (viio) not Major (VII). also the Major IV ignores the B flat in the key signature of D minor and instead uses B natural. So all this to say that the tonic base STILL doesn’t feel like a tonic home, because the normalcy around the key signature is erased. Everything still feels unsettled, unresolved. 

Much has been made of the oral sex interpretation, so, ya. This is a song about remembering the best of times, a prayer to Subject, a plea for summertime and bellies and strawberries, and a feeling Harry is desperate to get back. 

Adore You: The three chords in this song, Cm - BbM - AbM, imply an E flat Major key, so vi, V, IV, respectively. The tonic, Eb (I), is (once again) never used, and instead vi, V, IV circle without ever coming to rest. 

Subject, “Honey,” creates a rainbow paradise. This is another love letter to Subject, let me adore you, I’ll walk through fire for you, you don’t have to say anything just listen to me, you don’t have to say you love me too, just please, please... you’ve been on my mind. Let me adore you like it’s the only thing I’ll ever do. By this wording, Harry admits that adoring Subject is not the only thing he ever does, yet he wishes Subject to remember, or imagine, this false reality. 

Lights Up: We’re in C Major here, with the chords Am - GM - FM, creating the same exact chord progression as Adore You, vi, V, IV. We (yet again!) never reach the tonic of C Major. It’s a constant tease of resolution, but there’s no solid home base. We’re suspended in limbo. 

Subject is “sorry, btw.” What does that mean, Harry asks? Sorry we’re here in this place, that this is happing? This song is Harry’s declaration: he’s not staying, he’s not coming back down. It would be sweet if things stayed the same, but no, I’m stepping into the light. “All the lights couldn’t put out the dark”... even all the golden sun of Subject couldn’t heal the void in Harry’s soul?  Harry asks subject, do you know who you are? implying that he’s determined to answer this for himself. I’m reminded of the crab in Moana, singing “Shiny.” There’s a certain bravado here, a reckless glittery happiness, a flaunting, an exuberance in discovery. 

Side B 

Tonics are all over the place. Harry is certainly certain about heartbreak. No ambiguity here. 

Cherry: GM - Em - CM, or  I, vi, IV. We’re in G Major and we know it. Repetitive “cou-cos’s” pepper the track like hanging fruit (let’s imagine from cherry trees). 

The song is a simple one, simple in its jealousy. Harry has let Subject go, and now Subject is at their best... and Harry hates it. He doesn't want his former pet term of endearment used on another, even though he has no claim on Subject’s actions anymore. Harry keeps finding bits of Subject in how he dresses. They’re not talking lately, and Harry perhaps is most upset that this separation isn’t going how he planned... Subject is at their best without him. 

The gallery line is inserted as a bridge, a unique line of music rather separate from the rest, an intentional narrative. But what’s most fascinating is the end of the song. The previous repetitive chord progression changes. Now we have 

GM - AM7 (an added C#) - Am7 (4/2 inversion) - GM

or I, II7, ii7, I

The “cou-cou” lands during the AM7 (the II7) and it lands EXACTLY on the note of B, extending the 7th chord to a ninth chord, before, on its second syllable, dropping to the A and holding there (a kind of suspension) while the chord progression resolves to the Am7 (ii7), making the A a chord tone. This is deliberate. Unless the whole piece was harmonically built around Camille’s random use of a B to A in a voicemail (also randomly in the perfect key for Harry’s voice) this was purposely recorded for aesthetic effect. I for one really love it, I could listen to breathy french girls mutter about beaches endlessly...

Falling: A straightforward progression. In the key of E Major,

 EM - C#m - BM - AM or I, vi, V, IV

With Falling, the only ballade on the album, we see Harry shift from jealousy to self destructive behavior. I don’t believe the ‘wandering hands’ line is about cheating (he and Subject were already apart) but rather, Harry seeking to wound Subject by turning to others. Communication is back open, because Subject says they care, they miss him too, but now Harry’s gone and fucked it all up. What have I become? What if Subject never needs me again? I can’t unpack the baggage they left. I just want Subject AROUND! Harry isn’t even begging for a romantic connection, he’s simply begging for Subject’s presence. He was so sure he could discover himself in LU, and now he keeps asking, what am I now? Who has he become on his own? He’s falling, and there’s no one to catch him. 

To Be So Lonely: This song waffles between two keys, just as Harry waffles between defending himself to Subject and finally, finally admitting (in just one small line) that he is, in fact, sorry. The song seems to start out in C Major, with CM and Am chords (I, iv) but then at the chorus the Am chord elides from a iv to a i, revealing the key is really A minor. The chorus goes on to be:

Am - GM - Em - FM 

or i, VII (lowered leading tone in minor), v (lowered leading tone in minor), VI

A fluttering mandolin mimics a fluttering heartbeat, and a folk music lilt gives the song a certain feel of heartbreak. 

Harry asks for Subject to not blame the drunk caller, likely himself. Harry was away. He missed Subject. He was just a little boy when he fell, and presumably Subject caught him that time. Subject is trying to be friends, they mean well, perhaps have taken pity on him, but Harry cannot stand to be called baby now, not when that name doesn’t mean what it used to, not when it’s a hollow word. Harry’s ‘home’ is suddenly a lonely place, but Subject has his reasons for how he’s acted, presumably good ones, and finally Harry gives his mea culpa, “this is it, so I’m sorry.” 

Interestingly, only after admitting that he’s made mistakes too, that he’s not perfect, that he shares the blame, does Harry confront and open himself to the realization contained in the next song, the heart of the album and the crux of what Harry’s been dancing around up until this point. 

She: In E minor, both verse and chorus use the same progression:

Em - DM - CM - Am - (Bm, a quick lead-in to) - Em 

 or i, II, VI, iv, v (no raised leading tone), i 

This Bowie-esc sounding song is the first to have characters. In addition to the Subject (perennially addressed as ‘You’) there is The Man and She. I would argue The Man and She are both Harry, a duality. The man drops his kids off at school, the man is thinking of You, like all of us do (everyone thinks of their SO perhaps). The Man goes through mundane daily tasks, but is he faking it? Does he really know what to do? He’s playing pretend, so pretend. 

Now Harry introduces She. (When speaking of She, Harry sings in a high falsetto.) She lives in daydreams, she is the first one he sees, and Harry doesn’t know who She is. A Woman just in his head, who sleeps in his (a jump up to the falsetto for just this one word in the verse) bed while he plays pretend. Much has been said about the gender/fluidity discovery in this song, and by better than me. It’s clear what Harry is saying, it’s clear what he’s going through and wrestling with. He’s thinking of Subject, but also haunted by She, in his head, in his mind’s eye, in his daydreams. She is a part of Harry, and Harry wants to know who She is. 

Side C

Uncomplicated tonics! All Major! A shift into happiness perhaps? 

Sunflower: F Major. BbM - FM - CM, or IV, I, V.  The bridge is fancy:

iii, IV, V, vi, I, V vi, V (vi?) V 

Some trippie hippie song from the 60s! Two lines of thought are apparent from the get go; Harry says he wants to get to know Subject, but then says “before I got to know you.” It’s as if this is a new beginning, like he and Subject are starting over. Much is made of the ‘seed’ thing, a metaphor for new life and rebirth, “plant new seeds in the melody.” Harry is trying hard not to talk to Subject, to not seem eager, not act a fool. He was just tongue tied, then he’s still tongue tied, implying he’s done this whole dance before. He implores Subject to hold their sweet memories: domestic times, kitchens, kids. In Golden, Subject was the sun. Now Subject is a sunflower, hung up high in the gallery, out of the shade, in the light a sunflower needs to thrive, into the light, step into the light. Little gasps from Harry interject throughout; is he surfacing from water (LU music video?), is he breathing between kisses, is he suddenly gifted new life like Gandalf atop Isengard? The end of the piece devolves into calls of unbridled, nonsensical joy, like birds song, like mating calls amongst brilliant plumage. 

Canyon Moon: D Major. DM - GM - AM - DM (I, IV, V, I)

 Bridge DM - (Em transit?) - AM - DM (I, (ii), V, I) 

Chorus DM - AM - DM - GM (I, V6, I6, IV) 

Perhaps the most straightforward tonic bound song of the album. Harry is missing Subject, but it’s a happy nostalgia now, a hopeful one, a “two weeks and I’ll be home.” Home is no longer a lonely place, like in TBSL. The world is happy waiting (there’s no rush? No need to have everything figured out?). “Doors yellow, broken, blue.” You can’t bribe the door on the way to the sky a sky where Harry’s Golden sun awaits him, and now the sky door is broken, busted through, that blue door to a blue sky that never looked so blue. 

We get another glimpse of She here; Subject remains You, Harry remains Harry, but there’s also a She who plays old hippies’ love songs and pretends to know the words; perhaps this is another Camille reference for narrative purposes, but I lean more towards this being another reference to She as Harry, exploring odd new music he’s never heard, trying not to be so pretentious about it but failing. (He’s such an Aquarius.) Most charmingly of all, the single whistler becomes two by the end of the song. 

Treat People With Kindness: F Major. This is the most interesting piece in terms of text painting. 

We start with CM6 - FM, then FM6/4 - BbM, then back to CM6 - FM, then we hold on the Am chord, and then repeat the whole thing. So analyzed in F Major this would be V6, I, I6/4, IV, V6, I, iii. 

But. By using the I6 to IV, Harry plays with the idea of a V of IV, where you take the IV chord of the key and pretend it has its own dominant (V) and use the V of IV not as the I chord normally is used, but as a Leading Tone chord to IV. 

ALL THAT TO SAY. He’s illustrating the lyrics. During “Maybe we can find a place” the chords are playing with dual resolutions. Where is the actual tonic? Is it F Major or B Flat Major? It’s ambiguous! We don’t know! We haven’t found our place yet! 

But then! The bridge. “And if we’re here long enough” and look where we land, on a CM chord, then BbM, then FM, a solid V, IV, I progression. And THEN (bless this boy) on the word belong we get the same A minor chord (the iii) but we get a 7th added to the chord, a G, and Harry holds this G in the melody (plant new seeds in the melody), a note that VERY MUCH DOES NOT BELONG because in no universe does a iii chord in Major have a 7th added! And Harry not only ADDS but draws attention to this note, this note that doesn’t belong!!! Then this iii7 chord resolves to C Major (V), making the G note a chord tone, making it BELONG, making it fit perfectly. 

GOD. Weep with me. 

This is Over the Rainbow. This is Hair, this is Age of Aquarius. Somewhere there’s a place we can belong and feel good and people will celebrate and rejoice in us, someday a new age will dawn. 

Harry is plunging into the deep end, dreaming, caught up in his good feelings and his euphoria in being “given second chances.” He’s tentative about admitting reckless hope to Subject; instead he says, “Maybe we can find a place to feel good?” Harry says he doesn’t need all the answers. He said in LU “do you know who you are” then in Falling “What am I now?” then in She “I don't know who she is” and now he’s at peace. He feels good in his skin, and he will keep on dancing. 

Most personally, I think the sudden somber turn of the line “If our friends all pass away” is in reference to grief. He’s speaking to Subject, but also to himself. It will be okay, okay, okay. Harry can’t control his life, he doesn’t have everything figured out, but he’s come to accept that. 

Side D

Fine Line: D Major. We come full circle, returning to the use of only three chords like at the start of the album. This time, though, Harry resolves to tonic in a repetitive pattern used for both the verses and chorus: 

Bm, GM7, DM6/4, or vi, IV7, I

FL is the summation of the album, the thesis statement, the conclusion of the journey. Harry has endured tests of patience, and accepted that there are things he’ll never know. He’s trying to shake off trepidation (of plunging in the deep end? Of hoping?). He says “My hand’s at risk, I fold.” The poker analogy is an interesting one; Subject (presumably) has gotten past Harry’s poker face, has sussed out his fronts and acts and strategies, and Harry is left bare and exposed, vulnerable before them. He’s been brought to this point, but willingly he folds. He laments that “spreading you open is the only way of knowing you.” We should open up before it’s all too much. Harry is done fighting. He’s also done sleeping in the dirt. For the first time he’s not sugar-coating his words, avoiding their problems via sex and pretense and flowery language. He’s matured enough to admit, “Man, I hate you sometimes.”

Again we have the reappearance of She. Harry says to Subject, “We’ll get the drinks in, so I’ll get to thinking of her.” This She is something between them, within them now, another facet of his and Subject’s relationship. Harry is going to spend time thinking of Her. She, I believe, is a part of him. 

A fine line is a balancing act, a tightrope, a suspension between extremes. But Harry calls out into the echo of the music, “We’ll be alright.” A declaration, a hope, a promise. Brass, strings, and a building crescendo, a cacophony of movie-credit-worthy emotion, sweeps us towards closure. Ethereal voices fade out, moving from dominant to tonic, but then a solitary piano plinks on a V chord, twice, hanging in the air, a question, an invitation, a hope. 

[buckevantommy]

'(Un)Happiest Season' review

Simply put, it wasn't enjoyable as a romance or a comedy or a Christmas flick. It failed on many fronts, but this reviewer from Salon.com puts the thing into words for Happiest Season's main failings: 

What's bad: There were two main criticisms of "Happiest Season." The first being: Can't LGBTQ audiences have a holiday movie where the main plot isn't about mining the anxiety and trauma associated with coming out, being closeted and casual homophobia? Then there's the fact that Harper really is just kind of the worst. After pushing Abby back in the closet, Harper ditches her in a town where she doesn't know anyone to go drink with her ex-boyfriend until two in the morning, then proceeds to call Abby "suffocating" when called on it. It's a pattern of s**ty behavior that is pervasive and present throughout the movie, so her redemption arc doesn't feel super genuine. 

Why can't we have main queer characters in Christmas movies without their presence being all about their queerness? We want fluffy festiveness, dammit! They could've made Harper less selfish and more attentive while still playing into the *I'm not out yet Because Reasons so we need to hide our gay relationship* trope, but they didn't. Who knows why, but what a waste. 🎄👩‍❤️‍👩☃️

^ Look at that trailer and tell me you don't expect Misunderstandings with fun and tropey antics + Domestic Christmas Shenanigans + Comfort for Hurt! You will be sorely disappointed. 😞 

NOTE: The flick does have a few good moments. And it's probably worth the watch just to see what's missing/mishandled when it comes to queer characters and queer romances in mainstream movies. 

But it's not really fun or funny or heart-warming - where are the snowball fights? Insightful conversations? Christmas elements like eggnog/spiced wine, candycanes, mistletoe? Where are the many colourful side characters and the hungover brunches? We get one scene of ice-skating for a few minutes and it's wasted on sibling rivalry bs rather than, say.. Abby and Harper skating together but not being aloud to touch—omg the tension!! 😍 

There's just not enough comfort for the hurt Abby (Kstew) goes through; the film wholly lacks those warm-n-fuzzy Christmas vibes; there's just way more wrong with it than is right with it - which sucks, because this had the potential to be such a great movie if only Harper was written as less ignorant/selfish and we'd gotten more enjoyable family interactions and more festive fun - like a celebration in town. Instead we get a few limited shots of the adorable town, a crappy bar, and an OTT fancy Christmas party for performative rich white folk on a career path for power and "perfection" (ie. wholesome family values). 

The story they went with was definitely better suited for a dramatic film, so in a romcom setting it really didn't work. Plus the side-characters were flat; we needed more depth from the supporting characters, more meaningful interactions. 

^ Look at those intro credits!! Look at all the domestic happy moments and tell me you don't want to see a movie filled with such fluffy festive goodness!! Well, if you don't want to see such moments, don't worry because you won't. I naturally thought we were going to get this kind of romantic-and-non-romantic happiness dispersed throughout the entire film, but no. Not a one. There's 5 minutes of Happy Couple at the start, and that's it 📸☹️ (unless you count a photo collage of the happy ending and year that follows stuffed into the end credits). 

BTW: That intro song is the most Christmasy song in the whole movie. The soundtrack features modern pop songs which 1) don't help set the festive vibe and 2) are really fucking annoying; the song choices are grating, not pleasant, not enjoyable, and they overpower the scenes with a whole lotta noise. I really wish we'd gotten more tunes like the one above. 🎶 

About the image below—Abby is actually miserable the entire time, getting worse by the day, barely a smile seen on her.. while Harper is the one schmoozing her family and contacts with teeth bared, so.. this image isn't what you'll get, just fyi:

(also: the only POC actors they had were the perfectionist-stone-faced-bitch's husband and his girlfriend - wife + hubby being secretly separated.) 

The things that the Salon reviewer liked are the same things I did (see below), but imho even those elements weren't enough to save this film from being: 

an infuriating 102 minute-comedy of errors buoyed by a healthy dose of gaslighting 

More cons of the flick are pointed out by denofgeek.com: 

Some of its issues come from the structure of the film, which shoehorns very real queer struggles into wacky rom-com tropes too fluffy to contain the stakes at hand. Meanwhile the choice to have one half of the lead couple be so aggressively and repeatedly cruel—while her high school ex Riley, played by the ever-perfect Aubrey Plaza was standing right there having all the chemistry in the world with the other romantic lead—was a fatal one.

It really was a dramatic plot idea crammed into a fluffy narrative. You can see the conflicting genres fighting to stay alive and they both die a slow, agonisingly dull death throughout the film. The whole *Abby being converted to loving Christmas by Harper inviting her to spend the holidays with her family* thing, only to have Harper force their relationship + Abby into the closet. Straight conversion much? I'm 100% sick of heteronormative bs in my queer Christmas films. 

For the most part, when you're not feeling for Abby's harsh treatment by her would-be fiance and everyone but Riley ignoring her completely, you will be bored af from the lack of festive cheer - not just twinkle lights and boisterous seasonal music, but those good ol' homey family Christmas vibes. With the Harper house + family members, everything's a performance, so that lack of sincerity and warmth makes for a depressing viewing experience: 

^ Jane (one of Harper's 2 sisters) is the only character allowed to be consistently genuine in the narrative (aside from John, but he's restricted mostly to phonecalls, and Riley - but even she's keeping Harper's secrets). Jane is the only character who is naturally vibrant and reminds us of some of the reasons we get excited about Christmas movies: to feel joy and to enjoy the company around us during the holiday season! 🎄☃️🥳 But rather than give us a fun day out with Jane + Abby, we get Abby + the second sister (i don't even remember her name, just BitchFace) which leads to more bad treatment of Abby - this time by two spoiled af no-smile rich kids. *le sigh* Jane carries the spark of honest joy for the entire Harper clan and that is TOO MUCH to expect of one character, let alone a side-character. 😪 

There are so many ways the story could've been tweaked to make more sense and be somewhat enjoyable, including: 

The orphan!Abby thing is just bad. Rather than give Abby a voice, chances to let her personality shine, almost everyone interacts with her to merely briefly express their condolences for her long-dead parents 🙄 

Abby is a pet-minder, ie. she's an animal lover, yet at no point do we see her interact with animals! Not a dog or cat or hamster, no reindeer at the petting zoo, nothing. 🐕🐈🦎🦜🐠

Riley + Abby getting together (even just a kiss) 👄 

Abby + Harper separating so Harper can get her shit together - and then we get several flashforward shots of them separately living their lives (Harper especially), and then meeting back up again - maybe the next holiday season, after some much-needed time apart 🏃‍♀️🤸‍♀️ 

side characters who engage with Abby in a sincere, meaningful way instead of ignoring her (again, we got Riley, but she was outside of the family dynamic) 😊 

MORE FESTIVE CHEER! where were all the staple Christmassy passtimes, the smile-inducing season-specific experiences??? 🎉 

More from denofgeek: 

Where the script gets into trouble is that it doesn’t distinguish between Harper being closeted and her poor treatment of Abby. The two are separate issues and treating them as one does no favors to Harper, nor others struggling with the closet. As Dan Levy’s beautiful monologue late in the movie alludes to, the closet is a safety mechanism—but it’s not a free pass to treat people like garbage. [...] 😟🏳️‍🌈

Even a brief conversation teasing out that being in the closet doesn’t justify how Harper acted, and that plenty of people in the closet don’t treat others like trash, would have been important. Instead once Harper is out (which the movie takes pains to make clear only happened because Harper’s sister Sloane outed her), and a gesture so small it could never credibly be called grand is made, all bad behavior is washed away. [...] 😤🙅‍♀️ 

The jarring underlying issue is that 'Happiest Season' attempts to apply the standard rom-com and made-for-TV-holiday-movie tropes to queer life. So Abby having to go back into the closet isn’t framed as a painful regression or being forced to deny an essential part of herself, but rather a fun twist, in the vein of “but the guy she insulted on the plane is the owner of the ornament factory she has to impress to win the Christmas contest!”🚪😒 

All of Harper’s behavior adds up to making her feel like something the audience wants Abby to be free of, not someone Abby should be fighting for. Once Riley tells Abby about Harper’s cruelty in high school, where Harper outed Riley and mocked her rather than standing up for her or finding an excuse that protected them both, it becomes incredibly difficult to root for the lead couple to get back together, or for Harper at all. 👏💃 

With this information, Harper’s other transgressions go from frustrating to part of a larger pattern. Sadly, it’s a pattern Harper repeats when her sister outs her and she throws Abby under the (lesbian) bus. 🤬 

FAVE THINGS: 

all interactions between John (Dan Levy) + Abby (he's witty, honest, and 100% the most entertaining element of the entire film; i wish we'd gotten more of him) 😆 

Riley (Aubrey Plaza, Harper's ex) + Abby's scenes together because CHEMISTRY, both between the characters and the actors 👩‍❤️‍👩

Notable between Abby + Riley scenes include 3 instances of Riley comforting Abby's hurt: outside at the fancy party (Abby feeling excluded/ignored/not worth anyone's time due to the way they treat her even though they don't know she's gay), at a gay bar in town (sandwiched by scenes where Abby's made to feel like crap by Harper), and at the fancy home Christmas party where Riley gets Abby something stronger to drink after hearing Abby was going to propose to Harper (but it's been a helluva shitty week and those plans are dead) 👭 

Every scene with Riley was blessed relief from the hurt and discomfort and boredom of the rest of the time with Harper's family. 🤩 

Sister Jane, for being a genuinely fun character 🤗 who was written starkly different to her family and treated somewhat like an outcast 

Aubrey + Kstew killin it in various pantsuits 👀 

In contrast, Riley connects Abby to queerness, bringing her to an LGBTQ bar to decompress and enjoy a Christmas-themed drag performance. It’s the most relaxed and comfortable Abby is on screen since the opening scenes, a chance to glimpse Abby’s authentic self before Harper summons her back to heterosexuality, and where she once again ignores and disappoints her. Riley actually talks to Abby at the various holiday parties whereas Harper keeps leaving her to please her family, especially her father. It’s not hard for the natural chemistry between Plaza and Stewart to take over

I wouldn't watch this film again. For a hopeful Christmasy love story I'd just watch all Abby + Riley's scenes: 

In closing, here's a batshit article title from observer.com that just makes you go, huh? 🧐:

‘Happiest Season’ Isn’t Happy, But That Doesn’t Make It a Bad Rom-Com

Um.. yes, yes it does. 

Rom-Coms are supposed to be fun, light-hearted stories about love even when the plot deals with lying - The Proposal, Sweet Home Alabama - so a movie that leaves you hurting more than comforted in sympathy with one of the main characters because the (apparent) love of their life is treating them like shit, then it doesn't deserve to be in the genre of Rom-Com. 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨💞🎬

In summary, Abby and Harper got 5 minutes of happiness in the beginning, and an eventual happy ending after a super rocky middle. The journey was painful and unenjoyable, and it made their happy ending unbelievable and, for Harper, undeserved because of her behaviour through 90% of the story. 

In short: it was not, in fact, the happiest season. 😕👎

[aroworlds]

The Vampire Conundrum, Part One

When Rowan Ross is pressured into placing an aromantic pride mug on his desk, he doesn't know how to react when his co-workers don't notice it. Don't they realise he spent a weekend rehearsing answers for questions unasked? Then again, if nobody knows what aromanticism is, can't he display a growing collection of pride merch without a repeat of his coming out as trans? Be visible with impunity through their ignorance?

He can endure their thinking him a fan of archery, comic-book superheroes and glittery vampire movies. It's not like anyone in the office is an archer. (Are they?) But when a patch on his bag results in a massive misconception, correcting it means doing the one thing he most fears: making a scene.

After all, his name isn't Aro.

Contains: One trans, bisexual frayromantic alongside an office of well-meaning cis co-workers who think they're being supportive and inclusive.

Content Advisory: This story hinges on the way most cishet alloromantic people know nothing about aromanticism and the ways many trans-accepting cis people fail to best communicate their acceptance. In other words, expect a series of queer, trans and aro microaggressions. There are no depictions or mentions of sexual attraction beyond the words "allosexual" and "bisexual", but there are non-detailed references to Rowan's previous experiences with romance.

Length: 2, 951 words (part one of two).

Note: Posted for @aggressivelyarospec‘s AggressivelyArospectacular 2019.

What is pride merch for if not petty passive-aggression in response to allo folks’ amatonormativity?

Beset by dizzying anxiety, Rowan places a green mug, printed on one side with a five-striped flag, on his desk. Done. He exhales and takes another furtive glance around the poky ten-desk office, but only Shelby sits close and she’s too busy peering at her computer to notice him. There: mug at work! Right where people can see! He grabs his phone, snaps a quick photo to send as proof to Matt and then, before anyone can ask about the mug or Rowan’s behaviour, moves it beside his pen caddy, the handle angled to hide the stripes.

Why does he have to be this scared? Everyone knows he’s trans. Hormones aren’t yet magical enough to give Rowan cis-unquestioned masculinity; coming out felt less damaging than constant misgendering. At the same time, being trans is why he feels like to pass out from nervousness. The initial slew of queries, concerns and clarifications, followed by daily episodes of cissexism, isn’t something anyone should care to repeat!

Trans identity, after the passing of marriage equality, at least possesses the dubious state of being the new conservative-favourite punching bag. Before he sent Damien his “I accept the position, by the way I’m trans” email, few people here would have been ignorant of Rowan’s theoretical existence.

Aromanticism, by contrast, requires more than revelation: it requires conceptualisation.

He thought he was prepared, last time.

Rowan Ross, master of whiteboards and planners, came for his first day armed with a list of resources and print-outs of an article he wrote for his university’s student magazine. He’d written out answers to likely questions and rehearsed them at his mirror. He wasn’t going to have another panic attack when faced with questions he couldn’t answer. He was going to be fine.

Instead, he learnt again that one can’t prepare for all the shapes of cis ignorance.

Hesitating to mention his aromanticism because being out as trans already ramps up the difficulty of his working life shouldn’t be cowardly. Why can’t Matt see that?

He stares at the mug, dizzy. Damien may not notice the striped flag, but Shelby uses anything as an opportunity to provide unneeded reassurances. Melanie has enough enthusiastic, unrestrained curiosity for ten people!

I read that trans men bind their chests. Is it comfortable? Do you do it every day? Are you allowed to wear a bra when you don’t?

Rowan shudders. No. He’s survived her interrogations; can’t he survive this, too? He practiced a short explanatory speech, made an email-ready digital PDF booklet and packed printed versions inside his satchel. He rehearsed his responses to as many provocative and prying questions as possible, including the line I’d rather not answer that. Maybe it won’t be as bad, this time! Maybe they won’t notice immediately, giving him more time to prepare and anticipate. Melanie doesn’t come back until next month; perhaps this mug, so bright and green, will pass unremarked until then.

Does the want to return it to his bag make Matt right?

Rowan touches the handle for luck and wonders if this will go better should someone not Melanie ask first.

***

“Good morning, everyone!” Melanie breezes through the office in an aura of floral-with-vanilla perfume, making a beeline for Rowan’s desk. She’s small, curvy and grandmotherly-but-modern in appearance: coloured slacks and loose floral-print blouses worn with dangling gold pendants and stacks of bangles over freckle-dusted forearms. Aside from her pixie-cut grey hair, she looks to him like a walking Millers advertisement. “Rowan, can you tell me how to put the new logo in my email again? Please? I know you told me last time.”

Rowan doesn’t understand why people who send emails on a daily basis don’t take the time to learn these things, but he’s worked here long enough to accept this lack as a fundamental truth of the universe. He turns to face her, his flag mug held in his right hand. “Do you want the instruction PDF I wrote, or do you want me to just do it for you?”

A few months ago, caught up in a fit of hopefulness inspired by a new SSRI and the less-inspiring reality of being the youngest person in the office, he spent his spare time typing up Rowan Ross’s Ultimate Guide to Basic Office Computing—a guide languishing unread by anyone not Rowan.

“Just fix it for me now.” Melanie beams at him, paying his mug no attention. “Thanks, Rowan!”

What will it take for someone to notice? Pouring his coffee on their shoes? He swallows the dregs, stands and follows Melanie to her computer before setting his mug on her desk, flag facing outwards, to take up her mouse and open her email settings.

To think he worried about someone’s asking questions! Rowan didn’t consider the problem of a lack of interest, but he’s spent the last five weeks drinking from a flag mug without as much as a passing glance.

“You’re a doll, Rowan!” Melanie hesitates; Rowan holds back a sigh. Here it comes. “Wait. Is that offensive, even though there’s male dolls, like Ken? And gay men collect dolls, don’t they? But gay men like feminine things and you don’t when you’re trans-gender, do you? You’re a darling? I know! You’re a treasure.” Melanie grins, as though she didn’t make an easily-overlooked statement into a thing shaded with too many queer microaggressions for one bi trans man to untangle, and grasps his mug. “I’ll get you some more coffee! One sugar, a dash of milk! Thank you so much!”

Her pink-painted nails and beige hands cover the flag, only a small section of black and grey visible at the edge of her pinky finger.

Maybe she’ll notice when she fills the mug.

Maybe she’ll notice when she brings it back to him.

Maybe pigs will fly and she’ll stop placing that too-long pause between “trans” and “gender”, too.

This way, there’s no need to endure alloromantic absurdity or criticism. No suffering the pain of being unable to explain or correct, given how often cis people dismiss even small gender-related requests. He did what Matt demanded; he left the mug on his desk. How is it Rowan’s fault that nobody’s knowledgeable enough to express curiosity? That he forgot to factor in the remarkable cishet tendency to avoid anything suggestive of unknown queerness?

Going ignored, somehow, doesn’t feel like a victory.

***

When Rowan sees a mug online featuring a shield in aromantic colours behind a design of crossed arrows in pride colours for other aromantic-spectrum identities, he snatches one with frayromantic blues. He also buys an unneeded but matching pencil case followed by a journal covered with rows of arrows coloured in aro stripes.

If he needn’t fear curiosity or question, why not pride up his desk? At least he can gulp coffee from a frayro mug emblazoned with an aro shield every time Shelby asks him if he’s found a partner yet.

What is pride merch for if not petty passive-aggression in response to allo folks’ amatonormativity?

A fortnight later, he arranges his mugs on his desk, stashes his decorative paper clip collection in the pencil case and ponders, just for a moment, if anyone’s made a pride-themed whiteboard.

“Rowan!” Damien appears out of nowhere and claps his hand on Rowan’s shoulder. He’s a raw-boned giant of a man with an improbable ability for stealth; Rowan, cursed with a body that reacts to unknown stimuli as though lethal rather than first checking, still can’t keep himself from jumping out of his chair on Damien’s approach. “I’ve got this photo from last night I want for Facebook. Can you crop out an arm from the side for me? I just sent it to you.”

“Sure,” Rowan murmurs, once his heart stops threatening to burst from terror. “I’ll do it right now.”

“Thanks. I’ll get you a coffee.” Damien snatches up the new mug, tiny in his oversized hands. Rowan doesn’t care to imagine how much of Damien’s pay goes to custom tailoring, but his pinstripe suits are the living dapper embodiment of every How to Dress Like a Professional Man guide Rowan has read and failed to implement. “Huh. I didn’t know you were into archery. One sugar, little bit of milk?”

“Yeah. I … uh...” Rowan blinks, struggling to find an answer, but Damien heads for the hallway and the kitchenette they share with the rest of the floor. Archery? Surely none of the arrow designs are realistic enough for any archery enthusiast to regard them as an expression of interest for the sport? Not to mention the stripes?

How do cishets cultivate their air of continued obliviousness? They’ve all seen Rowan’s trans pride phone case and bi pride pin; nobody won’t have seen the rainbow flag in the news. Shouldn’t one of them catch on to the concept of pride flags?

Why complain when their ignorance is easier than their questions?

He shakes his head, opens his emails and finds the photo from yesterday’s event, complete with a stray arm on one side and a half an empty chair on the other. He crops out the arm and the chair before adjusting the contrast and colours, until the photo appears as though only maybe taken on a cheap phone, indoors, by a man with his back to the window.

“Hey, did you know that Rowan’s really into archery?”

Rowan looks up. Damien stands by the door, showing Melanie Rowan’s newest mug.

He should say something before he gets archery gear in the office Secret Santa. He should say something even though they’re on the other side of the room and a lifetime of good manners, parental expectation and disabling anxiety says one doesn’t intrude on someone else’s conversation. What if someone in the office secretly likes archery and asks him questions? But corrections mean doing the one thing Rowan hopes he can continue to avoid, so...

He slides his hands under his legs and inhales slowly in a vain attempt to head off the giddy anxiousness. Does this mistake desperately need fixing? Can’t he wait to see what happens first?

“Archery? How does anyone get into archery?” Melanie shakes her head. “You don’t do it in school. Is it a country thing? Or a rich kid thing?”

“I did. Year nine, I think? And my school wasn’t that fancy. I think kids do more of that stuff, now, than real sport.” Damien shrugs and heads towards Rowan’s computer, setting his mug down on the desk. “You fixed the lighting! I don’t suppose you can make my face less red? It isn’t that red in real life.”

It is, but that’s easier to fix than the burgeoning fear that this archery misconception won’t be a one-off incident.

***

Another awful conversation with his housemates pushes Rowan into getting out his sewing box, despite a Melanie-induced fear that showing himself to be good at a traditionally-female art will result in another expression of cis nonsense. Too many friends still ask why he buys plain T-shirts from the women’s section (better fit) or has lavender-scented shower gel on his shelf in the bathroom (he likes it). He’s a man to the not-completely-cissexist people in his life if he meets a boring, insecure definition of manhood. “Oh, great God of Trans Men,” he mutters, “please pardon me for the crime of unmasculinity, because everyone knows you don’t allow true men to embroider.”

How is cross-stitch not just analogue pixel art, anyway?

He flips off whomever it is Melanie thinks “allows” him to defy gender norms before sketching a pattern, struggling with the shape of the R. His embroidery floss stash doesn’t allow him to perfectly colour-match the greens, but after the best part of a weekend Rowan produces a patch reading “ARO” in aromantic stripes against a background of allo-aro yellow and gold. He needs another hour to stitch it to his satchel beside a cluster of badges (trans pride, pronouns, bisexual flag), but the finish is worth the late night and sore fingertips.

Surely this will tell people that those five stripes mean something more than a liking for archery or the colour green?

He fists his hands, lips trembling. What call does an allo cis gay like Matt have to mock the idea of coming out as aromantic when Rowan, who lost his home, his family and his dog to the mistakes he made in coming out, knows exactly what those words mean? Why did Matt have to say that “someone like Rowan” only put a lousy mug on his desk because he knew nobody will ask? Yes, he owns a collection of anxiety disorder diagnoses, illnesses fairly earnt, a disability unchosen. That doesn’t make him cowardly!

Matt doesn’t emerge from his bedroom before Rowan dashes to catch the train, so he lacks even the questionable satisfaction of seeing his housemate note the large patch on his bag. He’s just left with a mood bouncing between frustration, anger and the quieter, sickening fear that making the patch didn’t challenge Matt’s opinion as much as validate it. Should Rowan have done that? What else can he do?

Why does Matt have to be so damn allo?

By the time he arrives at the office, Rowan focuses just enough to concentrate on the distraction waiting for him in the kitchenette. The walls need painting and the air conditioning smells like mice, but sharing the floor with four other sub-governmental community projects meant everyone pitched in for a decent coffee machine without too many hassles. Damien needs to stop taking terrible work-related selfies, but he does enforce a cleaning rota so Rowan can enjoy avoiding the horrors of instant coffee.

“Aro?”

Groggy annoyance fades into a heart-pounding, palm-sweating, vibrant wakefulness. Rowan wheels to face Melanie; she peers at the satchel hanging off his hip. Matt’s wrong about Rowan. This will prove it!

“Uh, yeah,” he says, fighting to sound casual. “I’m aro.”

There. He said it!

“Oh, like the movie vampire?”

The movie vampire? What vampire? There’s no obviously-aromantic vampire in a well-known movie; someone online would have said so! “I’m sorry?”

“The Twilight movies! You know the ones the teenage girls liked, with the family of glittery, vegetarian vampires and the human girl? And it was supposed to be romantic somehow? My daughter had posters and a quilt cover and T-shirts and Barbie dolls.” Melanie pulls a face, her lips twisting. “But she loved them, and there’s a vampire called Aro.”

Belatedly, he remembers a joke that posts about a minor character used to turn up in aro hashtags. “I suppose? But it isn’t a name when—”

“Damien! Rowan’s called Aro now! Should we hold a meeting telling everyone? Or just send an email around?” Melanie looks out into the hallway dividing the floor into its suites of offices: Damien stands outside their door, his battered phone held to his ear. “I didn’t know trans people were allowed to change names twice! Although I don’t suppose there’s a limit, is there? If I married someone five times, I could change my last name five times, couldn’t I? Is it really that different?”

“It,” Rowan says into the barest break in sentences, “isn’t—”

“Damien! Stop gasbagging about golf or whatever … I swear, that man never listens when you want him. Always on the phone! Damien.” She bustles out into the hallway with the determined stride of a woman on a mission. “Rowan’s Aro now!”

Panic spurs him into running after her. “Melanie!”

“Aro!” Shelby grabs his forearm as Rowan skids into the hallway, her brow furrowed in concern. If Melanie seems like the plump, huggable sort of grandmother, Shelby looks like the muscular, marathon-running grandmother who hits the beach every morning. Salt-coarsened long hair in a single braid, a fashionable black blazer worn over a T-shirt, hiking boots. “Is that European? Don’t worry, we’ll all do our best to remember, and you’re allowed to growl when we don’t. We said there’d be no problem, and we meant it. You’re allowed to growl at us when we make mistakes, okay? Okay, Aro? Promise me that you will correct us!”

The self-appointed protector figure of the office, she was kind during Rowan’s first week. Kind in a way that draws unnecessary attention, given her inability to correct someone else’s misuse of pronouns without crafting a production of hushed voices and pointed nudges—followed by scathing lectures that never happen far enough outside his earshot.

Why are the only options complete stealth or queerness front and centre in a way that never lets him be just a different shape of normal? Where exists a blessed middle ground?

Melanie reaches Damien and stares up at him, waving one hand and tapping the opposite foot, until Damien lowers his phone.

“Uh … thank you, but my name isn’t—”

“You absolutely must correct us.” Shelby squeezes Rowan’s forearm in a firm grip. “We’re not used to all this, but that doesn’t mean we won’t try. Aro. Do you people usually choose unusual names like that? You know, you trans people? Promise me that you’ll correct us. You need to know that we don’t mind in the least, truly we don’t!”

“I’m not—”

“Anyway, how was your weekend? You didn’t stay at home, did you? It worries me that you haven’t found a girl yet. Or a boy!” Shelby clasps his hand between hers, looking into his eyes as though hoping to impress upon him the depth of her sincerity. “You do know, Aro, that any girl—or boy!—will be lucky to date a sweet boy like you, don’t you?”

What does it mean, Rowan wonders in irony-fuelled despair, that returning to Births, Deaths and Marriages now feels like the easiest option?

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Urgent: I am a Catholic Lesbian. I've read every argument I could find both for and against gay marraige and reached out to queer & Christian blogs. I am terrified of hell, but the thought of being celibate as Catholicism demands is making me miserable. I am so so scared. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm losing my faith, which never really brought me any happiness, but I don't want to lose it & I don't know how to shake the fear that if I ever have sex I'll go to hell.

Hi there, dear. My heart really hurts for you. It’s so terrifying and exhausting and distressing and painful to be in the space you’re currently in. I’ll be praying for you -- that you can find some comfort and rest; that you can rediscover God as someone who loves you and will keep you safe, not throw you into hell. 

Too many people have been the victims of fear-mongering, of human beings deciding what actions or thoughts get you flung into hell for eternity. That kind of ideology hammers into your psyche, and it’s so hard to free yourself of that fear. It might take you a long, long time to become free of the fear that if you ever have sex you’ll go to hell. I wish there was a quick solution to fix the problem for you, but chances are, this is going to be a long and often difficult journey for you.

The good news is, you don’t have to be on this journey alone. Thank you for reaching out to me and other queer & Christian blogs, for instance! I hope you’ll be able to keep reaching out to people, and gather a support group around you -- of friends you trust, folks online, an affirming therapist (and if this is something that obsesses you and severely disrupts your life, I do recommend finding a therapist or other professional help), writers of books and articles that help you...whomever and whatever you can gather to you. And most of all, I pray that God will make Her presence felt to you -- a loving, tender, patient presence, not a fearful and judgmental one. 

_______

Okay, all that said, now I’m gonna go through several of the things you mention one at a time: 

“I am terrified of hell” 

I’m not sure if doing more research into hell will be helpful to you or not. If you think re-visioning what hell is could be helpful to you, I’ve got a #hell tag where I and other writers discuss hell -- is it even real? who goes there? 

I was raised Catholic and have studied Catholic views of hell, and one thing that I remember learning is that hell is not a place of punishment where God throws people for doing bad things. Rather, only those who refuse to accept God’s forgiveness -- a gift offered to everyone, regardless of how severe or many their sins are -- go there. If you say “yes” to God’s grace, you will not go to hell; God will have mercy on you. 

You might appreciate this quote by a Protestant named Shirley Guthrie on how “heaven is for sinners and hell is for ‘good’ people.” 

I will affirm over and over that being LGBTQA+ is not a sin but part of God’s diversity, that having sex with someone of the same gender is not a sin -- but, even if it were a sin, that doesn’t mean that having gay sex sends you straight to hell. We all sin in various ways, and rely on God’s mercy to save us from hell. If you’re still struggling to believe that being gay and having sex is not sinful, that’s okay; for now, know that even if it were a sin, God still loves you and forgives you. If you do have sex with a woman one day and then decide it was wrong for you after all, you can ask for God’s forgiveness; you won’t be sentenced straight to hell for it.

“the thought of being celibate as Catholicism demands is making me miserable.”

the Catholic Catechism does indeed instruct that gay persons remain celibate. But I am not the only Catholic to strongly disagree with this instruction. Celibacy is a good and holy thing -- when one is called by God to it, when one chooses it for themself, not when it is forced upon a person. I talk about that in my celibacy tag. 

For you, I highly recommend a book by Margaret Farley, a Catholic nun (still in good standing! the Catholic Church actually approved her writing this book) called Just Love. In it, Farley discusses what makes a sexual relationship/activity just, i.e., ethical and good in the eyes of God. She comes up with 7 points a relationship that involves sex should fulfill -- I share the list and explain it a bit in this post. 

Based off her points, I think Farley would agree that for you celibacy would probably not bear good fruit. If the idea of celibacy makes you miserable, it’s probably not your vocation. 

“I feel like I'm losing my faith, which never really brought me any happiness, but I don't want to lose it...” 

It sounds like a big part of your journey is going to be deciding whether the Catholic faith is right for you or not. Right now, you say, it does not bring you happiness -- instead, it seems to be bringing you no shortage of misery and fear. 

Jesus came that we all might “have life, and have it abundantly” (John 10:10) -- not in some future heaven, but right here and now! If your faith is not bringing you abundant life, it’s time to explore other options. 

I’m not saying that’s an easy thing to do; it’s not. What you end up doing is up to you. Here is a post where I respond to a person saying that being queer and Catholic feels unbearable, where I offer various options for what they might do. 

Does anyone have more words of comfort or advice for anon?

[mylesthetreegod]

I just wanted to take a moment to talk today on TDOV. I feel it's increasingly normal to have someone in your life we remember on this day. I lost a friend and old classmate that I want to take the time to remember and tell their story.

I had known them since Jr. High. We had classes together. We were on the same sports teams, but we were never all that close. Nonetheless we had good memories together having been classmates as long as we had. They struggled with finding a sense of identity for a long time. They tried the religious route to "pray the gay away" at one point. They tried to just stay as they were for so long because of their family but knew they were trans. I found out shortly after we graduated they took their own life. They didn't even make it to 18. They didn't get the chance to break out of all the circumstances and people that told them they were wrong for simply existing how they were.

It breaks my heart that I never knew they were struggling at the same point in time that I was, but then again nobody knew I was either. It goes to show that our communities and found-families are so massively important, because that was the difference. I had found a group of other queer and trans friends that I stuck with from 7th grade to senior year. I don't know that they had that. I don't know that they had anyone in their life that could remotely know what they were going through.

Today we remember and honor those we've lost. Whether it be from violence, or mental health, discrimination or anything off the laundry list that our lives as trans people end so tragically short. Those people were not weak, and they were not wrong in anyway. This world is cruel and difficult. Things are harder for minorities like the trans community, but even within it its harder for some more than others.

Today we remember and honor those we have lost but also take the time to recognize why we have made it, and work to make it better for everyone. Treasure your found-families, recognize privilege where you have it, participate in trans rights advocacy. Vote, research, donate where you can. Take young trans people under your wing when you can. Help each other, because when it gets down to it we are our own support. Our community needs to help its own from within as much as we can because we have no guarantee that anyone else will.

I wish all the folks out there today ,who are grieving the loss of someone, comfort. Tell the people you love, that you love them because you never know what that small act of kindness will be to someone else. Stay strong, stay safe, and keep fighting.🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️💛

[nsw4133]

Hi! I’m NSW4133, the one-person show behind this blog page! So first of all, thank you for reading this, thank you for checking out the stuff on my page, and thank you for liking/reblogging/following my stuff! Thank you so much for spending time on me when really everything in 2018 is all about grabbing your precious attention and phone time. Long story ahead, so if you don’t like reading, please skip :)

Why NSW4133

For a good while, I was going to go for Not Safe For Work, but then it became Not Safe for the World. The numbers was really because in the sea of IDs, you need numbers to distinguish your email accounts. I will retain the pseudonym NSW4133 for stuff I put in here, unless life changed course and suddenly I think it’s cool for me to have my real name associated with this page. Because to be honest, there are so many things I would like to explore artistically that I simply can’t do it IRL, with my actual legal name. Not necessarily sexual themes, but also, if the art direction calls for sexual/genital/minor fetish stuff, I don’t ever want to feel like I’m holding back either. The only thing I hope to do with it is to make it tasteful, not trashy. Disclosure: I was raised in a Christian home. I can’t call myself a Christian. A lot of people in my home community cannot accept me if I ever tell them that, er… I am queer and I do a shit ton of tarot art. So while I do mention a lot of Christian stuff or biblical themes in my work, please don’t feel offended. I’m not here to make fun of anyone, or convert anyone, or threaten anyone of going to hell with my work. I’m a living contradiction, all these religious experiences are still part of my personal history, and I find it important to allow it to come out if the card triggers something in me. It’s not the most pleasant existence, and I allow that to show through in my work. The only good thing is that right now I’m not kicked out of the house just yet. This is my tiny oasis out in the vast internet space, but it is a growing place, so perhaps by next year I will say something totally different instead.

Why I draw tarot

I graduated in 2017 with an art degree and the scariest thing they talk about in college is not about how terrible the assignments were, but everything that happens after college. Will I be a starving artist? Will I even be doing art? Will I survive my day job?

This year has been challenging in the sense that I am discovering a new side of myself, post grad. I have no idea how/when I create stuff. Or what I even like to draw when the pressures of homework are removed. And how to balance that with my whittling paycheck and my unstable job situation. And the fact that I’m transitioning between countries. All I know is that I do not want to be like this super bitter professor who barks at us to get better at design by drawing more, but he himself can’t draw to save his life. I hated him, but I hated how pitiful he must have looked compared to everyone that graduated the same time as him. My school is not a big school and it is stuck in a rural(read: Pokemon town sized) part of Missouri. Yeah, not a good look. But I recognised that this could have easily been me. I too, could be like this jerk, if I’m not careful. So that’s why I’m scrambling to find a way to make sure I’m at least doing something artistically, even if I don’t earn the big money. Enter tarot.

There was this one time I attended an Adobe Creative Jam and there was this speaker who was talking about her journey in tarot designs, but really she spent the first half convincing the audience that tarot is not occultic lol. But that sure got me thinking that hey, maybe this is a really good practice on my art and not many people can claim that they completed a full deck, so why not right? My mind was envisioning tarot to be the creative equivalent of the Boston marathon and lenormand to be the creative 5k. All these ideas came while I was in a position ready for change. And I went for it. And this page happened. What really struck me about tarot is that it has a certain structure, yet it can also hold infinite permutations, which is great for artists like me who obviously needed guidance but acted like they know better.

So when will I sell my decks?

I like the idea of money, but ugh, I’m not ready for everything that goes into social media promotion, making sure I print the decks out, and ship them to good people like you. But also another part of me is wanting to keep it as accessible as possible to broke ass college kids, cos I was one too. It sucks to only see only parts of the deck being posted online. I wanted to let people be able to enjoy the deck freely, and only buy them if and when they are ready. Because the whole point about this page is NOT TO MAKE MONEY, but to keep me away from the bigger demon that is creative death. So eventually I will open up some paypal/ko-fi so y’all kind hearted souls can send me some tips if you are feeling it, but even as of right now I am not in a stable postal code. This isn’t like going from one city to another. This is moving to a different country, and not in the sexy way. Don’t ask me why, but this has a lot to do with the Malaysian (some Malaysians, not all) fixation on migration. Americans may have been talking about moving to Canada or Mexico when Trump gets elected, but bruh, this is exactly what Malaysians have been doing for the past few decades and this migration thing is not as great or easy as you think. My own family is quite invested in this idea, but as a result, my personal life have been in a halt. I can’t plan what kind of jobs I can take because I think of maybe I need to be ready to move out, I can’t take freelance jobs as easily because it requires a permanent address for Paypal and I don’t have that, and I can’t form relationships (not even romantic ones!) properly because I’m just temporary. I’m just a fresh grad. As much as I struggle though, at least no one is dying in this story. All I can say is that please send some good thoughts/vibes/spells my way so I can finally not have to struggle with moving.

PS: Originally I wanted to make this into something more of like an artist statement, because that is what artists do, but then I realised that I will change, even on an every-3-months basis. Then I wanted to make this into more of an about me page, but all the other examples I see online are so corporate-y, and I don’t think I would fit in either. But it’s weed day (happy 4/20, folks) and I don’t ever want to operate this page as a super capitalistic venture, so I decided that this is going to be somewhat like an about me page, but also like a yearly check-in on why I draw. Really, why the heck do I draw when I don’t earn good money out of it?

[satyrdaymornings]

I rarely post anything on this hellsite but I wrote an essay a while a back about why I write urban fantasy

This is not a critique of Tom’s essays but maybe an elaboration on what it means for a Fantasy to be True and it to explore the genre I tend to write and create. Urban Fantasy. I will be exploring my relationship with writing urban fantasy, the realness of characters, the places and the reasons why I choose to write in this genre.

Tom's books were a panacea for me as a young awkward autistic child. I started reading them in around sixth grade. I started with Heartlight, read The Ancient One then The Merlin Effect. By the time I started reading the Lost Years I was also invested in the Legend of Zelda series and even worldbuilding my own fictional world at fourteen and fifteen. It was the late 90s and early Oughts. The use of the internet to share stories and worlds was not available to me at such ready hands as my students have. I was pulled into these stories, lost in Finacyra and in Avalon. I wanted to be part of these worlds. I wanted to escape the bullies, the violent anxiety and chronic suicidal ideation and ride on the wings of Trouble the hawk and befriend Merlin. It was also the first moment I started to unfurl the first feelings of gender dysphoria. It was through the eyes of Merlin and then Tamwyn when I felt stirrings how I wanted to be them. Not join them but to be a boy on a big epic adventure. Sure girls can go on them, but it seems like the male characters had the better ones. At least in my fourteen year old head. But it was also when I started to notice other things too. I couldn't quite relate to the main characters as much as I wanted. I wasn’t like Kate from Barron’s early books and while I liked Merlin, his struggles were not mine. Yes there echoes, I see them now. How Merlin was disconnected by his father was a sympathy I had, as I was disconnected from my own. Barron’s stories were an adventure, an escape-and one that influenced me tremendously. Yet, they did not resonate in me deeply. While the characters were indeed real, none of them shared my problems, and I shared-really, none of theirs.

In 2001, I joined high school with some battlescars. I escaped Catholic school, wounded but determined to try again. I was in public school, my mother hoped here I would find friends and escape the violence of bullying. I did find the former but I did not escape the later. I was still reading Barron, but I also moved to David Clement-Davies for anthropomorphic fiction, I found Orson Scott-Card (before I knew how goddamn nuts he was) I also started discovered around the same time as Barron, Stephen Lawhead who’s rather preachy but deeply complex historical fantasy became a huge influence. I would even go so far as to say, that Lawhead was a huge reason why I am a practicing Druid and a member of a Druid church. It was also when I got my hands on my Terri Winding’s Bordertown and her anthologies. Suddenly I found characters whose eyes I could see through. Homelessness, drug use and addiction, running away, mental illness. These were all things I could wrap my hands on and go yes, that's what I deal with granted no in the same way as the folks in Bordertown can. It was my first taste of Urban Fantasy and I was hooked.

In Barron’s essay he talks about the realness of place. He draws massive influence from his experiences in Pasfic Northwest, Japan, and of course the Rockies. You can see that clearly in the Great Tree of Avalon. The protagonist Tamwyn explores Stoneroot and I can almost see him Stonewood looking just like Great Divide. However, I don’t live with the massive gaze of ancient mountains. Stoneroot, and Waterroot, and Woodroot, are far away to me. I can’t grasp them. But, I got Bordertown. It feels much closer. I could smell both asphalt of Bordertown, hear the police sirens and see both homeless men and elves alike. That seems more real to me. Because I know I’ve been to Bordertown.

I started working on Styx Water in 2013 as my Nanowrimo. It ballooned into this expansive massive story with struggle, love, sex, death, policial intrigue. It was here I crafted the lessons that I was taught from Barron and the myriad of other authors. Fantasy Must Be True-which I agree, yet there is another axis to this. Fantasy Must Be Real. What I mean is that there is a level of grounding I think that is needed at least for my genre. The grounding I found in Bordertown-and it's sister Neverwhere. Was at it's heart-what drove me to write in that genre. Because while I loved high fantasy and the exciting places I did travel. Sometimes I just needed to stay home rather than run from my problems.

Grounding is what gave my character’s substance. Hermes and Calix problems and stories while also fantastic were also rooted in a space that the reader has been in. Hermes’s struggle with mental illness is a road that many have been on. Indigo’s story of being non-binary is one we have heard before, often in different verses but one that is rarely told. While these are all my characters, I am not the only one that is doing neurodiverse and gender variant protagonists. There has been a dearth of stories in YA that have been taking advantage of the characters and stories that are more rooted in the reality of readers. We’re seeing more queer and disabled heroes and I am all here for it. Fantastic stories and grand adventures and powerful lessons were now available for people like me.

The meaning and messages of fantasy are to be true. Barron stated for a reader to be invested and to be deep within the narrative, the meaning must feel true. His messages are flavors of spiritual enlightenment, deep love for nature, and the triumph of light over dark. Powerful soup for a lonely and starve teen. Message of recovery from trauma, finding self-love, accepting loss and grief and the building the skill of asking for help. Themes that are dotted in my own fiction. Hermes' grand adventure of using the power of the River Styx and saving the world, is balanced with his need to take his medication, going to therapy, fighting with his sister and repairing his relationship with his step-dad. There is a sense of gravity urban fantasy has that high (or low for that matter) doesn’t have in my option. The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher is a crime noir with wizards than the elf kids slumming in Bordertown. It's gravity of relationships and real world problems are often eclipsed by the metaphysical and paranormal ones. Who cares about making rent when the Queen of Summer is after your butt? The flow of Big Problems (like saving the world and supernatural events) and Small Problems (Finishing homework, dealing with a new baby, finalizing a divorce) are a careful balance of realness and adventure. Big Problems show grand truths like ‘love can heal’ and ‘friendship is powerful’. Small Problems show smaller more intimate truths, “Compromise to succeed,” “It's okay to be mad,” and “you can be yourself.” Big Problems can certainly showcase those truths, but Small Problems do it in a more concentrated way. Loneliness on a small scale, small lense, feels more real. We can sit with the protagonist in his lonely moments. We can have this intimate space with them.

And perhaps that is why I write urban fantasy. The intimate Small Problems makes my writing True. It's easier to blend the slice-of-life Small Problems with the Big Problems of a massive epic in a place that we all know. The Small Problems make the story Real, in a way that larger massive narratives lack. I want to know the Small Problems. Does Merlin ever feel uncomfortable in his body while he goes through puberty? Tamwyn has to work with a splitting headache? Has Kate ever been in detention? Do any of the characters struggle with finding the difference between love and sexual lust, a common problem for many teens? Small Problems are not distractions, they are extra bits of garlic or chili flake in a dish. Knowing our grand heroes also have real human problems makes them grounded and tangible.

This is not a novel concept, many great authors have blended real issues that teens face with the hypercosmic problems of a greater narrative. Rick Riordan and Neil Schusterman both do a fantastic job in writing teenagers. Liba Bray and Nancy Farmer give us flesh out rounded characters with both Big and Small problems. I love writing the Small Problems. I love spending quality intimate time with my characters. I like over hearing lunchroom rumors and crude humor. I love the secret confessions made in the still mornings of a weekend. The passing of a bowl of weed or a bottle of beer behind the backs of the adults. I also love the intimate moments of my growns too. Kalliope (Hermes’ mom) paging through old photos of years gone by. Conversations spoke in Greek to her mother in law. Finishing a deadline and celebrating with wine. Love making on a warm Saturday morning. Those moments are sharp tang or the gush of sweet in a bite that makes the meal more rich and more enjoyable. And writing those moments adds a sense of Real to the big narrative of saving the world.

Barron’s statement about what makes fantasy True is the same as what makes fantasy Real. Readers need to believe in the places and feel the wholeness of the characters and the messages in the story, but also the characters need to feel the realness of the reader. They are not absent from the story. Readers should be more than passive voyeurs. They should be on their quest too and their problems, as Small as they are, should not less but the same as the Big ones and just as True and Real.

Kramer.

[loudest-subtext-in-tv]

Sherlock, EMP theory, and What Dreams May Come

[I have to preface this by making clear that I believe the BFI screening was fake – faker than it seems most people are considering. I don’t think they would give away any big reveals, including any of the following: TJLC, whether Mary or Moriarty are alive or dead, whether Mycroft was being strong-armed by Moriarty, whether Rosie was ever born, or whether EMP is the case. If EMP is the case, it’s intrinsically tied to Johnlock and all the rest so they have to film a separate plot. And yes, I do believe they would go so far as filming many scenes for a different plot line just to protect the reveal of all the big secrets they’ve kept for six years. For what it’s worth, out of all the things I listed this meta is almost entirely just dealing with Johnlock and EMP. So please don’t dismiss the parallels in this meta out of hand because of “spoilers” you may have heard.]

EMP theory (extended mind palace theory) argues that everything around the time Mary shot Sherlock through at least the beginning of TFP will have taken place in Sherlock’s mind while he lays dying in the hospital. Here is a link to the origins of the theory, which became an idea in January. I didn’t pay the theory much attention until T6T aired, when it suddenly seemed like the only explanation of all the facts.

In my opinion, one of the strongest arguments for EMP theory is the movie/novel What Dreams May Come. I haven’t read the novel so I’m doing this meta off the movie alone. 

To start:

Gatiss admires the writer, Richard Matheson, as @skulls-and-tea notes with this Tweet Gatiss made:

What’s the plot of What Dreams May Come? The protagonist is a married guy. He dies in a brutal car accident, and goes to heaven… but his wife, in her grief, kills herself and goes to hell. The protagonist then goes to hell to save his spouse. 

Remember when Sherlock was in this heavenly room that we know is not what Ella’s office actually looks like, wondering what to do about John?

And then, seemingly in answer to this question just afterwards, we see Sherlock watch the Miss Me? DVD, where Mary tells him what to do about John?

And how does one do that?

What exactly is hell, anyway? As @skulls-and-tea quotes Matheson in What Dreams May Come at the link above:

“Everyone’s Hell is different. It’s not all fire and pain. The real Hell is your life gone wrong.”

Sounds a lot like the plot of The Six Thatchers and The Lying Detective from Sherlock’s perspective: John clearly isn’t really into Mary and clearly wants to cheat with someone… but would rather be with anyone but Sherlock, even some rando from the bus; Sherlock can’t keep his vow to protect Mary or John; John blames Sherlock for failing to protect Mary and Sherlock thinks it’s deserved; Sherlock is so oblivious he fails to protect John from Sherlock’s own sister, etc.

Towards the beginning of What Dreams May Come, right before the car accident happens, the protagonist reflects in voice-over narration about the phone call he’d just had with his wife:

“I said, ‘I love you…’ I’ll always remember that. At least I got to say it.” 

But our story is a little different: Sherlock hasn’t gotten to tell John he loves him. If Sherlock were dying in a hospital, struggling to return back to the living to stop John from killing himself over Sherlock’s death, what thought just might wake Sherlock up?

The parallels I’m about to describe between BBC Sherlock and What Dreams May Come are pretty specific and insane. 

Do I have your attention yet?

What Dreams May Come begins with a brief section about Chris and Annie meeting, getting married, having two kids… and then their two kids die in a car accident. For four years, Chris and Annie support one another through their depression.

One day, on the anniversary of their kids’ death, Chris and Annie speak on the phone and he tells her he loves her. On the way home from work, he gets in an awful car accident while trying to save someone else. 

He makes it to the hospital, just like Sherlock…

But Chris dies in surgery because only the power of gay love can restart one’s heart. Sad, but it is what it is. :(

While dying, Chris thinks of his kids’ dog that got put down:

Remind you of anyone else who thought of a beloved dog being put down as he lay dying?

One of the first things Chris learns about being dead is that “dreams don’t deal in time. Time doesn’t count.” That’s why events just sort of float back and forth once he’s dead.

You know, just like how time gets all fucky once Sherlock gets shot. We start jumping months forwards and backwards in HLV after he gets shot; TAB jumps all over the place; so do T6T and TLD. And in the episodes that are supposed to be real, T6T and TLD, none of the time seems to add up coherently. For example, Sherlock’s birthday is supposed to be in January yet we know for a fact that at least a few months had to have passed since the Christmas Sherlock shot CAM… but certainly nowhere near a year (we’d have missed an entire Christmas, if so).

It’s also worth noting that Inception, another movie about dreams (and dreams within dreams) which seems to have been an influence on a Doctor Who Christmas special that Moffat wrote, posits the same thing: mere minutes in real life time can be hours, days, months, years in dream time.

Moving on. 

Remember that shot of Ella’s office from earlier?

Check out the stained glass imagery from Chris attending his own funeral:

Dying helps Chris see himself and lose his fear.

If EMPers are right, that’s exactly the purpose of Sherlock dying during all these episodes, and why it’s necessary for Sherlock to send himself to mind palace therapy. While people like to complain that “it was all a dream” would somehow make all the recent episodes pointless, that’s only the case when the writing is shitty and the writers are using a dream as a previously-unplanned excuse to escape from a dumb corner they’ve written themselves into.

That obviously wouldn’t be the least bit true for BBC Sherlock if you give it a thought: 1) this was planned since HLV (which I’ll get into in my big EMP meta), and 2) it’s because Sherlock is stuck inside his own head that Sherlock is enduring huge psychological struggles and coming out of them with real character growth. Not only will all that growth be present and necessary to the plot once Sherlock finally wakes up, it will probably be the reason he wakes up.

The entire point of having whole episodes in Sherlock’s head is for Sherlock to see himself clearly, for Sherlock and the audience to see plainly what he fears and how much he fears it. How else could we ever get a clear picture of a man who doesn’t allow himself to show much emotion, who keeps backing away from John because he thinks that’s what would make John happiest? Everyone agrees that Sherlock restarting his heart for John in his mind palace in HLV is a fantastic way to show Sherlock’s heart and character… but somehow several episodes of Sherlock fighting and succeeding to stay a good, selfless person even as his inner demons rip him apart is cheap and bad? What? 

Do people really think the mind of Sherlock Holmes, and the fears that plague his heart, would be simple enough to resolve in an episode or two? If so, I issue you a challenge: go write a story where you resolve your own issues with depression and intimacy in a 90 minute runtime. If you can do that, I trust you feel much better now and life should be splendid for you going forward. If not, then surely you see my point. We’re told Sherlock has demons, and we know from TAB that his mind is exceedingly complex.

Not to mention the audience gets to see the lengths Sherlock would go to for John, even when it’s unfair to himself. “Nicer than anyone,” indeed. How could anyone watch HLV, TAB, T6T, and TLD and come away thinking Sherlock is a sociopath? How could anyone watch Sherlock go through all that in his head and decide the romance is gross and evil because it’s gay? Have we ever seen that level of self-sacrifice and devotion from any other character in the history of literature, queer or otherwise?

Anyway.

After Chris sees Annie at his funeral, everything drifts along and he’s suddenly at their house. He looks at a painting Annie made of where they would retire one day, and I swear to god this next image is a painting of the character Chris from What Dreams May Come and not the result of John’s obsession with Sherlock bleeding into John’s art at one of those paint-and-drink-wine classes folks attend nowadays:

Dark hair, long coat billowing out behind him while he looks mysteriously into the distance. Again, that’s Chris.

Then Chris watches Annie write in her diary:

“Dear diary, I am writing in your bullshit pages because my shrink is crazier than I am. He thinks you’re therapy… He’s so stupid. He’s so stupid he thinks he pulled me through the breakdown when it was only Christy. Always. Only Chris.”

Remind you of John, Ella, and his blog? John was never happy writing his blog until Sherlock came along. And after Sherlock died, the way John coped was continuing to write about Sherlock. And then Sherlock came back from the dead, and John kept writing about him. 

Did the therapy ever really do anything for John? You don’t have to tell TJLCers that of course it didn’t. What made John happier was Sherlock. Otherwise, Ella’s assignment would have just had John writing about all the nothing that was going on in his life.

Chris tries to talk to Annie, but when she senses he’s there it fills her with intense grief. So he realizes that he’s got to leave her alone and go. He leaves her sobbing at his grave and goes toward the light.

Chris ends up in heaven, which looks like one of his wife’s beautiful paintings. You know, just like Sherlock’s mind palace when he was dying in HLV looked like the place where John shot the cabbie for Sherlock, other parts looked like the home he shared with John at 221b, etc.

And Chris’s dog – apparently a different dog from when he was a child – is there! He even jokes to himself that he screwed up and he’s in dog heaven. Oh, here’s a familiar shot:

Chris soon finds out that he’s creating all the things around him:

You know, just like EMPers allege Sherlock is doing, and just like we know for a fact was happening in TAB.

The person telling Chris this is Albert, an old friend who, like Chris, used to be a doctor. Check out one of the first lessons Chris has to absorb, after they discuss what part of a person defines them:

That’s right: dying is a way that Chris learns there’s more to what defines him than his brain. If EMPers are right, that’s the point of Sherlock being stuck in a coma for several episodes: he’s got to reassess his priorities, and confront his fear of embracing things other than pure rationality.

And look what happens next! Albert shows him that Chris’s house, in this place, can do all sorts of weird shit:

Remind you of any promo pics? Like… nearly all of the ones in the countdown to S4 had backgrounds of the wall of 221b crumbling? To save space, here’s one for the upcoming The Final Problem:

Meanwhile, in real life Annie is painting things and feeling like Chris can still hear her and see her paintings. And it’s true, those things do bleed into Chris’s experience of heaven. He sees Annie and a purple tree she just painted:

We know from TAB that the “real world” can bleed into Sherlock’s mind palace as well – though of course EMPers say even those parts of TAB aren’t real:

This bleed-through mechanic is why I suggested after T6T that John was not crying over Mary’s death, but crying over Sherlock’s bedside in real life when he thought Sherlock was going to die. That’s why he says, “Don’t you dare, you made a vow, you swore it.” Not because John absurdly blames Sherlock for Mary’s death, but because on John’s wedding day Sherlock made a vow to always be there for John. John’s angry and desperate because Sherlock is dying.

After all, as @tjlcisthenewsexy, @doomsteady, and @impatient14 discuss here, the Samarra story that bookends T6T seems to actually be about Sherlock trying to rewrite his own death after getting shot by Mary, not just Sherlock trying to stop Mary’s life from catching up with her. When Norbury shoots at Sherlock, it’s a lot like when Mary shoots at him, and Norbury is a mirror for Mary – plus as @themanandthemachine points out, she even uses the same gun as Mary.

Anyway, back to the field with the purple tree and Annie. How does Chris get back to her? By jumping off a waterfall, of course:

The parallel to ACD seems like a good candidate for why Mofftiss would think to incorporate What Dreams May Come into Sherlock, just like the poison scene from The Princess Bride is an ACD allusion in a story about a guy surprising the love of his life by revealing he didn’t actually die.

Anyway.

Once Chris gets to where Annie had been standing, she’s gone. So he has this exchange with Albert:

Albert: “You and Annie… a long courtship?” 

Chris: “No, actually. From the very first moment, it was like–”

Albert: “Soulmates. It’s extremely rare, but it exists. Sort of like twin souls, tuned in to each other.

Sounds a lot like how TJLCers read John and Sherlock’s first couple of days together.

Later, Chris wakes up in a place with some couches and chairs, flooded with water:

Kind of like this promo shot:

Soon it’s revealed that Chris’s dead daughter has been masquerading around in heaven as an adult East Asian woman with an entirely different name. She says things his daughter would know and say. You know, just like EMPers say that Sherlock is imagining people like Faith and Norbury and Culverton etc. representing other characters in Sherlock’s real life, saying things that those people would know and say.

The biggest mindfuck is that later Albert is revealed to actually be Chris’s son Ian, even though Chris really did know Albert in real life. Truly, the things EMPers suggest, such as Mary representing parts of Sherlock and so on, are not that strange compared to this movie Moffat and Gatiss have certainly seen.

Soon, we’re back with Annie, who’s working her way up to suicide. Here’s the self-harm marks:

Remember how Euros-as-Faith in TLD was a John mirror, with her walking stick and gun, coming to Sherlock’s flat saying Sherlock was her last hope? I argued that John’s suicidal attitude over Sherlock not waking up was bleeding into Sherlock’s mind, a reminder that he can’t give up on his own life and has to come back and save John.

Well, Sherlock observed that Faith was self-harming:

Sherlock doesn’t want her to kill herself, so he leaves the flat for the first time in weeks for a stranger that reminds him of John. He continues to freak out about suicide throughout the episode.

Annie kills herself, and Chris finds out that means she’s gone to hell. Albert tries to talk him out of it, but Chris insists on finding Annie.

Chris has to literally revisit sore memories in his psyche to get to Annie, just like Sherlock is having to do with Euros/Sherrinford. It’s part of going through hell.

There are lots of visuals of being doused in water on the journey, just like all the rain in Sherlock:

A guide in a boat tells Chris that the real danger of hell is “losing your mind.” Which corresponds pretty well with like, all of TLD.

Early into hell is when Albert is revealed to be Chris’s dead son Ian. Ian says he chose to be Albert to remind Chris to think about what he said to Annie to “bring her back” when Ian and his sister had died.

Perhaps Sherlock had to imagine Mary caring deeply for John simply because she’s the one in his memories who said, “Save John Watson" in TEH.

Later, in one of Chris’s memories, Annie says, “That’s my role: to bring adventure to your life.” A very John-and-Sherlock kind of relationship foundation.

Once they’re deep in hell, there’s a crumbling version of the home Chris and Annie shared together:

Consider again the promo shots with 221b crumbling. 

Then Chris’s guide says:

“Suicides can get pretty tortured, pretty committed to punishing themselves.” 

Recall Sherlock letting John beat the shit out of him in the morgue in TLD. Now, Sherlock’s not precisely a suicide given that he’s been shot, but he’s been coded as a suicide risk since the first episode. The EMP read on TLD is that Sherlock is dying in bed and trying to decide whether he wants to let go or not, hence the scenes with Sherlock saying, “I don’t want to die,” while in a hospital bed, and his ranting that suicides hurt the people who love you.

Chris’s guide, an old white dude, tells him that Annie is in the house, and what Chris must do is go open his heart to her and say what he needs to say. But then, in yet another mindfuck, the guide reveals that he’s the real Albert.

So, yeah: EMP theory is not very weird at all. Matheson did all this shit decades ago. Characters can stand-in for characters that already exist.

The inside of their old house is filled with water, again just like the promo pics of 221b for Sherlock:

The scene with Annie has some possibly relevant stuff. One quote that sticks out to me is this, which Chris says of himself:

“He pushed away the pain so hard, he disconnected himself from the person he loved the most.”

Definitely fits as commentary on Sherlock’s fear of sentiment and opening up.

Chris can’t totally get through to Annie, so instead he decides to stay with her in hell. He says, “Good people end up in hell because they can’t forgive themselves. I know I can’t.” Annie can’t forgive herself because she unreasonably blames herself for the death of Chris and their children both. Kind of like Sherlock blaming himself unreasonably for Mary’s death.

Annie finally accepts that Chris is there with her, some stuff happens, and eventually they both wake up in heaven together. They make out. Their dog and kids are there. They discuss being reborn and finding each other again, and they do. This stuff’s not really relevant, just heart-wrenching in a weirdly happy way.

The end.

[tharacecard]

Trayvon

This is a speech I’m giving for Hoodies Up Day 2017 at Portland’s Roosevelt High School and also a super personal account of what brought me into Black Lives Matter and how I began to organize. 

Trayvon Martin woke me up.

I learned the same story about African history in the United States that every public school kid does: slavery, Abraham Lincoln, the Civil War,  no more slavery but then oh no, up came old Jim Crow to keep Africans separate and unequal again. A few decades of that and Africans rose up in what we now call the Civil Rights movement. To win our freedom we took decades of beatings that would be memorialized in history books our children would read for generations.

Somewhere in all that marching and suffering, Martin Luther King JR. showed up, gave some speeches, led some marches, talked about little African and white kids holding hands, and then was killed in Little Rock, Arkansas. It’s very sad. But then! Somehow, suddenly, everything was fine. He had saved us. Lawsuits were won, laws were passed, schools were desegregated, a few rights every human being should be granted at birth were finally recognized, MLK was put on a stamp, and then little African and white kids were playing and holding hands. The dream was realized. Justice was won. That’s the story.

Yes, there were some old racists here and there. Yes, some of those old racists were cops, judges, prison guards, CEOs, senators, teachers, and presidents. Yes, we were still being killed for no reason but that was only happening to the bad Africans that deserved it - the ones that wouldn’t obey. The dangerous ones that wore hoodies. The gangsters. The good Africans stayed in line, smiled politely, kept their heads down and their voices low. The good Africans realized that the world really is free and just, racism really is over, and everything that was owed to us has been received. A dream had been realized. We had a Black president. That’s the story.  

I believed the story for the most part growing up, even through the dark spots, the things that didn’t quite fit: the time a kid called me Blackie in the lunch line, the way my mother and my sister and I would get followed around supermarkets and K-Marts, the way our next-door neighbors called the cops on my sister and I when we were kids. Not just once. A good half dozen times: for things like playing too loud, being too close to their car, being outside too long after the sun went down. They never tried calling our mom, just the police.

I saw and lived these things, I took them in and understood them to be wrong, to be unjust -  but I still believed the story. That I Have A Dream Story - little African and white kids holding hands. Yes there were still racists, I thought, but they were old and just in the South really, and they’d die eventually, and everyone would be free, and the world was still basically just. I lived believing this for much of my youth and became an adult believing it. The first year I was able to vote for president, I voted for Barack Obama and it felt like another dream fulfilled. My boyfriend and I sat on my bed and cried when he won. A president for US.  

And then Trayvon.

The thing that hurts the most to think about is how young he was. How young he *looked*. I saw a picture of his body on the news - because the news trots out footage and pictures of African death with instant replay like it’s nothing, like we feel nothing - and it took my breath away. It made my heart stop and my stomach hurt. He was just a boy - wearing skinny jeans and a hoodie, looking up into the sky with eyes that would never see again. Just a boy who wanted to be an astronaut. A boy who was walking home in his own neighborhood, carrying ice tea, skittles, a cell phone, and nothing else, just minding his own business before he was shot dead by an unrepentant racist who knew the moment the cops let him go home that same night that he would get away with it. We all watched him get away with it.

Trayvon was my cousins. Trayvon was my uncles. Trayvon was the father I never knew as a carefree African boy. Trayvon had dreams. Trayvon had people who loved him. Trayvon was a whole person. In the moment of his death and in the days, and months, and years that followed he became first a monster in the eyes of a system and an entire nation that had to make him one to explain itself, and then later a symbol of pain, anger, and resistance for an entire movement.

There would be no Black Lives Matter without Trayvon. There would be no me as an organizer without Trayvon. Trayvon woke me up. Trayvon woke a lot of us up.

I think for a lot of organizers in Black Lives Matter, the story of how we began our work in this movement is the same: we took to the streets. We shut it down. Ferguson showed us how. When Mike Brown was shot with his hands up, we poured into the street by the hundreds of thousands: all kinds of people from all over the country, united in resistance. That first fall it seemed like there was a protest or a march every day: stopping traffic, shutting down highways, blocking bridges, and blockading airports.

With each new action, we became cleverer, quicker, and more creative. Where first we were just throwing our bodies into the streets, stopping cars by just standing in front of them, later we began to identify choke points and ways to hold our positions for longer. We built complex lock boxes and barricades. We started to talk about locations and targets that would be more strategic, more visible, and make more of an impact. We started organizing ways to take care of each other, to bail out folks who were arrested, to make sure folks were fed and hydrated and checked up on during and after direct actions. We started building networks of trust, safety, and solidarity. We started building organizations. We started making demands.

From that first mass of action in the streets, came an entire universe of organizations: Black Youth Project, the Black Lives Matter Network, YGB, We are the Ones, Million Hoodies, the Dream Defenders. Dozens of organizations, all over the country, overwhelmingly led by African women, queer and non-binary folks, and youth. Many of us were completely new to the movement and to organizing in general. We were making things up as we went. We didn’t know what we were doing but we knew we had to do something. We knew that we couldn’t stand how things were anymore. We felt somehow instinctually that we had the power to stop it together, that we just had to find our way to that power. We began to organize and we learned as we grew.

I had never organized a day in my life before Black Lives Matter. The extent of my activism was going to Occupy for a few hours like one time. I had no idea what I was doing. I realized quickly that organizing - mass-based revolutionary organizing - doesn’t require a special skill set. It doesn’t require grants or funding. It doesn’t require a college degree or thousands of dollars in special training and business cards and badges. It requires people who are willing to contribute in any way they can to the overall goal of working together to liberate their people. If you want African people to be free and you are motivated to give your labor, knowledge, and time to a collective working to see that happen, you can organize. Anyone can be an organizer.

We’re not really taught to understand our own power and capacity to contribute to a movement and to an organization working for liberation. We’re taught the value of individualism and standing alone, valuing ourselves above all else. In many ways learning to organize is a process of unlearning individualism and learning the value of collective struggle. Revolutionary organizing helps you understand that isn’t individual people who are the heroes in history, it’s the masses of people, conscious and awake, organized and working together, who are the real heroes. It’s the masses of people who have the power. It’s the masses of people who create change. The masses of people united and focused on a goal can achieve anything. The masses of people once conscious and set on a course to change their circumstances will change those circumstances. The entire history of African people shows this. The entire history of humanity shows this. And Black Lives Matter in this moment shows this. Once enough people wake up, there’s no way to put them back to sleep. Trayvon Martin set us on a course to change the future for African people in this country. And we will.

Trayvon, more than anything, has become a symbol for the overwhelming injustice that defines the African experience in the United States today. We, as a people, are expected to accept a reality where at any moment we may be struck down and killed for any reason and in death the people who killed us will say we deserved it and the nation where we live will stand by them. We live in a country where cops can pull up on a 12-year-old boy playing with a toy gun, shoot him down within 30 seconds, and people will passionately explain why it was his fault. We live in a country where a little girl can get blown up in her sleep by a flash grenade, and the person who threw it will never face charges. We live in a country where an African woman arrested for a traffic violation can die overnight in a prison cell without outrage or even investigation. We live in a country where we are forced to bleed to show our pain and to explain why we deserve to live again and again and again.

African existence is pain and rage. African existence is resistance, resilience, creativity, brilliance, and magic.

Every single African person still living today, still surviving this, still fighting this is a testament to the strength and humanity of our people and of our ancestors. Everything we are today and everything we will be tomorrow is made possible by the people who bled, and fought, and struggled, and won so we could be here. There’s a saying that goes, “the life you live today does not belong to you, it belongs to the people who will come after you.”  This is true. For us and for everyone: this is true.  

[omnivore-bibliosaur]

Well, folks, it is hard to believe that only a year has passed since election night 2016. It feels like much more time has passed than a mere twelve months. Through all of the events (and tweets) that have transpired, my reading helped sustain my heart and mind. It’s not just the librarian in me saying this, but I’m a firm believer in the power of reading and lifelong learning to make the world a better place. Right now, I want to read about queer women who have joined the political fray in order to effect positive change. I hope that these books give you the shot in the arm that you need to keep on going, too.

True Colors by Yolanda Wallace Bold Strokes Books, August 2017 Join the conversation on Goodreads!

“Taylor Crenshaw is a lifelong Democrat, but her parents are staunch Republicans. To make matters worse, her ultraconservative father has just been elected president. Although she prefers to live her life openly, her father would rather she stay in the closet. When she meets Robby Rawlins, will she choose to give in to her father’s demands or follow her heart?   Robby Rawlins works at an antique store by day. She spends her nights anonymously skewering politicians in her blog. President Terry Crenshaw’s anti-gay rhetoric gave Robby plenty to write about during a contentious campaign, but a chance meeting with his daughter leaves her at a loss for words. Getting the scoop has always been Robby’s goal. Now it might come second to getting the girl. Unless she can find a way to do both.” — Bold Strokes Books

  By Design by J.A. Armstrong By Design series, books 1-9 J.A. Armstrong Books, 2015 Join the conversation on Goodreads!

“Building bridges has a very different meaning for Jameson Reid than it does for Candace Fletcher. J.D. Reid spends her days designing some of the most elegant and majestic buildings and homes in North America.  U.S. Senator Candace Fletcher has spent her life working to build bridges between people. J.D. Reid is not who Candace Fletcher was expecting to arrive on her doorstep. Candace will challenge all of Jameson’s preconceptions about the women of Washington D.C. The enigmatic architect will test the resolve of the Junior Senator from New York. Two women will discover that falling in love may be out of their control, but creating a relationship in the world of politics and business is completely BY DESIGN.” — J.A. Armstrong Books

  A More Perfect Union by Carsen Taite Bold Strokes Books, December 2017

“When Major Zoey Granger exposed corruption in the ranks, she became an unwitting media darling and shot to a position reporting to top brass at the Pentagon. Now Zoey finds herself in the unwanted spotlight once again, this time at the heart of a scandal that threatens to devastate the military. Her efforts to contain the fallout are thwarted when the White House assigns a notorious DC fixer to oversee her every move.

Political insider Rook Daniels can fix any problem, no matter how illicit or indictable, but she has two rules: she picks her cases and she’s in charge. When she makes an exception for an old friend at the White House, she gets tangled up with a sexy but stubborn officer who has her own ideas about authority. Rook and Zoey must decide whether a chance at love is worth risking loss of reputation in a town where appearances rule.” — Bold Strokes Books

  Madam President by Blayne Cooper & T. Novan Renaissance Alliance Publishing, 2001 Join the conversation on Goodreads!

“Devlyn Marlowe, the first woman President of the United States, has just been elected. Breaking with the tradition of hiring a political writer to chronicle her administration, President Marlowe selects one Lauren Strayer, a professional biographer with a reputation for absolute honesty. There’s a slight problem with Devlyn’s plan, though. Lauren wants nothing to do with what she sees as a political hack job. It takes some serious persuading, but the Commander-in-Chief is an eloquent negotiator, and Lauren reluctantly agrees to take the job, provided she truly has editorial freedom. So armed with her computer, her incredibly ugly Pug, and a fair bit of trepidation, Lauren finds herself in residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. There, amidst the harrowing and demanding life of the First Family, Lauren begins to understand and eventually love the complex woman who is both leader of a great nation and loving single parent to three rambunctious children. Funny, realistic, romantic, and endearing, Madam President is rapidly becoming a modern classic.” — Amazon description

First Lady (sequel) by Blayne Cooper & T. Novan Cavalier Press, 2003 Join the conversation on Goodreads!

“In this timeless classic, the sequel to their best seller Madam President, Blayne Cooper and T. Novan continue the chronicle of the lives of Lauren Strayer and Devlyn Marlowe.

Planning a wedding is never easy. However, most brides don’t face the challenges that Lauren Strayer does. Her beloved comes with a ready-made family, something the biographer never imagined for herself. In addition, Lauren’s estranged father thoroughly disapproves of her future mate, who just happens to be the nation’s first female president. Lauren tackles the perils and pleasures of parenting and the tension between her private nature and her new, very public role. At the same time, Dev, a dedicated public servant, struggles to find the balance between managing the nation’s interests, her family, her fears and her stress, while continuing the development of her relationship with Lauren. The result is an action-packed, amusing and tender tale of the sort that fans of Cooper & Novan have come to love and expect.” — Amazon description

  Wild Things by Karin Kallmaker Bella Books, 2012 (2nd edition) Join the conversation on Goodreads!

“Scholar and award-winning author Faith Fiztgerald has every reason to be happy: a wealthy, charming man who adores her and a family cheering her marriage prospects. But from the moment she meets Eric’s sister, Sydney Van Allen, she knows her safe, predictable feelings for him are a shadow of what could be. Openly lesbian and running for Senator, Sydney can only succeed if she can live down her wild past. That means no liaisons, especially with the achingly alluring woman on her brother’s arm who looks at her with confusion—and desire.” — via Bella Books 

  Awakenings by Jackie Calhoun Bella Books, 2012 Join the conversation on Goodreads!

“Despite early attempts to contact Hayley Baxter, Sarah Sweeney has neither heard from nor seen her since Hayley moved to New York City and a journalism career eleven years ago. Both are incredulous when they literally bump into each other among the tens of thousands of protesters in and around the Wisconsin State Capitol building. Hayley offers to share her hotel room in Madison on weekends. With misgivings, Sarah takes her up on it and quickly realizes her once fierce love for Hayley still simmers under the surface of her anger. When the protests move to the next stage-collecting signatures for recall-the weekends in Madison end. Sarah, a teacher, goes back to real life certain that Hayley will never leave her roommate and job in New York. However, the bad economy causes Hayley’s newspaper to go belly-up and she is forced to return to Wisconsin, to the lake where it all began …” via Bella Books

  The Candidate (Bella Books, 2008) The Campaign (Bella Books, 2012) At Your Service, Madam President (Bella Books, 2016)

Follow Jane Kincaid as she vies for the presidential nomination, works on the election campaign, and her early struggles in the Oval Office.

I’m with her: Political fiction booklist Well, folks, it is hard to believe that only a year has passed since election night 2016.